Suffocation
by Criminalmindschick221
Summary: When Erin quit her job, she thought she'd hit rock bottom, but little did she know that she still had a long way to fall. Her mother and her old habits take over and she ventures even deeper into a dark place that she doesn't know how to get out of. Jay wants to help her, but her walls are too thick. He knows she's lost, but starts to think she doesn't want to be found.
1. Numb

**"When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore."**

Elizabeth Gilbert

* * *

The first thing she felt was a drop of water on her cheek.

Still half-asleep and starting to come to, she opened her eyes. It took her a moment to even be able to process her surroundings. Once she really looked around, she realized that she had no idea where she was.

It looked like someone's backyard. She could see that it was fenced in and there were a few beer bottles scattered around the yard. A pit with scorched wood was abandoned just in front of her. It looked like there'd been a fire. She was lying back in a cheap, half-broken lawn chair with her feet extended onto the ground.

There was no one around her.

So there she was, sitting in _someone's_ backyard, alone, confused and completely oblivious to whatever had happened the night before. But the sad part was that this wasn't the first time this had happened to her.

When she was younger, this used to happen a lot. She would wake up in peculiar places…bedrooms, basements, alleyways, once she woke up underneath someone's bed only to be told later that she'd passed out there after she'd hid when the cops came by.

She gulped.

Her throat was sore, but she wasn't sure why.

Slowly, she moved and started to get up, but it wasn't as easy as she'd hoped. Her head was pounding and her legs felt stiff. Sleeping in a lawn chair wasn't exactly ideal. Once on her feet, she stepped forward only to trip over a discarded beer bottle. She caught herself on a nearby tree before she fell.

Clutching it's trunk to keep herself standing, she took in a deep breath. It took everything she had to keep from throwing up right there in that backyard, but with hands shaking, she managed to choke it back.

Leaning against the tree for a moment, she pulled out her phone. The screen was blurry and she had to squint to see it, but she could see plenty of missed calls and texts. A couple from her mom, three or four from Landon and one from Voight, one from Jay.

She checked the ones from Landon.

 _Hey babe, up for round two yet? This time I'll bring the shots. Had fun the other night. Let's meet up. Text me._

She didn't wait to respond.

 _Just woke up. What are you doing?_

She checked the ones from her mom.

 _4 hours earlier: Saw you leave with some people last night. Where'd you end up?_

 _30 minutes earlier: Hey I have some food at the bar, come by if you're hungry._

She replied:

 _Don't know where I am. May be by later._

She didn't check the others.

Slipping her phone back into her pocket, she started walking again. That was when she realized she was missing a shoe. On one foot, she had a heel and was barefoot on the other. She let out a sigh and limped across the yard carefully, looking for glass.

She saw her other shoe at the back door of the house. Reaching down, she slipped it on and entered the house. "Hello?"

"Well, look who decided to get up!" A man came around the corner. He was tall, muscular and wore jeans and a Chicago Bulls t-shirt. He walked up and gave her a hug, "Girl, you were the life of the party last night."

Erin nodded slowly, rubbing her eyes. "Uh, yea…" She said quietly, "Not trying to be rude, but what's your name again?"

She heard loud laughing come from the next room.

She peered around the corner and saw two other guys and two other girls sitting at a table, "She doesn't remember you." One of them said, mockingly, "Not surprising."

The first guy looked down at her, "Do you really not remember?"

"I'm…blanking." Erin said groggily.

He nodded slowly, "It's Luke, remember? We took shots last night at the bar and then we came back here and went skinny dipping in the pool…?"

A couple of the others snickered.

Erin looked down again just to check and make sure she still had all her clothes on. When she saw that she did, she nodded slowly and pretended like it was all coming back to her even though it wasn't. She smiled a little bit, "Yea…yea, I think it's coming back." She shook her head, "I'm really sorry I guess I blacked out back there. Not sure if I broke your lawn chair…"

Luke shook his head, "No, it was already like that."

Erin nodded and smiled, "Okay, well, I better get going." She looked up at him, "But last night was fun. We should get together again sometime." She said, touching his arm.

He nodded, "I have your number so I guess I'll call you."

"Sure." She looked at the rest of them, "I'll see you guys around." She said and then she made her way towards the door. Once she was outside, she let out a sigh of relief, just thankful she hadn't woken up in some kind of crack house.

Running her fingers through her hair, she started to walk down the street. She had no idea where she was. It looked like she was still in the city, but she wasn't downtown and she wasn't in the hood either. The houses looked relatively upscale. She walked through, feeling extremely out of place.

She walked a few blocks towards the sky scrapers she could see in the distance because she knew that would lead her downtown. Once she got to the entrance of whatever neighborhood she was in, she saw the CTA and walked up to it. She boarded one of the cars and sat down, headed for her apartment.

She got off a few blocks from her building and continued walking. It was around 3 in the afternoon once she got back to her apartment, but she had no idea what time it had been when she actually woke up. Her apartment was unlocked and when she walked in, it was trashed. It looked like she'd been robbed, but Erin actually remembered what had happened here.

She and Landon had gotten together for the third time. And that time, all she'd wanted to do was dance. She vaguely remembered she and him dancing to some of her old CD's, both drunk, neither of them caring.

She didn't bother to clean it up.

With sore feet, she collapsed onto her couch and slipped them off. Letting out a long sigh, she looked down.

How did she get here?

Just a month earlier, her life had been going so well. She had a steady job, she was sober, she had a maybe-boyfriend-kind-of-thing (AKA Jay), she was successful in her work, Nadia was still alive.

That was the biggest change.

Nadia.

The apartment was so quiet without her.

Before, she'd hear footsteps every now and then, maybe even hear Nadia watching some police-instructional videos or listening to some of her music. She could hear her talking on the phone, or sometimes talking to a friend she had over, she could hear her typing or watching TV or snoring when she was sleeping really well.

But now, it was silent.

Erin leaned down against her knees, putting her head in her hands. The silence was killing her. The place void of the small noises that used to keep her sane. She could feel how empty it was. And she couldn't stand it.

Like her apartment, she felt empty and trashed and cold.

But most of all, she felt angry.

Maybe at Yates, maybe at the world, maybe at God, maybe at Voight or her team, but mostly…she was angry at herself. She was the one who "saved" Nadia, she was the one who put her into the dangerous situation that would eventually get her killed.

Someone had to pay.

That was why she quit, that was why she was hanging out with her mother, that was why she stopped caring, that was why she allowed herself to fall back into the same deep pit of poverty and drugs and depression that she used to call home.

It was her punishment.

She wanted to feel the pain like Nadia had. She wanted to be held responsible for what had happened. She wanted someone to pay for Nadia's death. She had to pay.

How could she live with herself?

Knowing that she had been at fault, even just partly, for Nadia's death, it killed her. She wasn't Yates, but she may as well have had blood on her hands. She played a part in Nadia's death.

She looked down and saw pills on her table.

There was a whole bottle left.

She picked it up and shook it, wondering how many it would take to kill her. 6…8, maybe? She wasn't sure. The prescription said to take 2. But she poured 6 into her hand. That had to be enough, right? She didn't want to survive.

She was worthless.

She thought she could help people, "save" them, just like Hank had done for her, but it turns out that everyone she'd tried to help had ended up getting hurt. So what was the point? She didn't have a purpose. Why couldn't it have been her and not Nadia?

She couldn't live with herself.

Someone had to pay for this, even if it was her.

Slowly, she reached over and grabbed a utility bill. On the back of it in marker, she wrote:

 _I woke up today, for the first time in a long time feeling like my life was worthless. Maybe it always has been. There are over 6 billion people on this planet and one more or one less won't change anything. And maybe I thought it mattered. Nadia made me think it mattered…I thought I saved her, but we see how that turned out. It doesn't matter. Maybe nothing does._

 _I'm sorry._

Erin set it down and reached for the pills, holding them hesitantly in her hand. She gulped and blinked a few tears out of her eyes, wondering if this was the right decision or not. Was there a reason she was hesitating?

Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

Erin ignored it.

She looked back down at the pills.

But her phone buzzed again.

This time, irritated, she checked it.

Landon had texted her twice.

 _Just saw your mom, heard you were partying pretty hard last night. Hope you saved some energy for me ;)_

 _I'm at the liquor store, want me to pick something up?_

Erin sighed and ignored those messages and scrolled down to the message Voight had sent her two days ago.

 _Hey, kid. I still care about you. You always have a home here if you want it…no questions asked. Just be careful. And think for yourself…you aren't Bunny._

She sighed and closed her eyes.

Was that even true?

She felt like Bunny right about now. Sore, hungover and holding pills in her hands, crying. She looked a lot like her mother.

She scrolled down, hesitating before opening the message from Jay. It was a week old.

 _Hey, I know I haven't texted or called in a while. I was trying to give you some space. I thought maybe you wanted to handle it yourself…but I just want you to know that I'm here and I'll always have your back, that's what we agreed on. It sucks around here without you. And I just hope you know that no matter what kind of hole you dig for yourself, I'll always be ready to help pull you out, okay? We lost Nadia and we can't change that, but I don't want to lose you too. Take care of yourself._

Erin paused.

She couldn't do this.

She set the pills down.

Doing this to Jay and Voight would essentially cause them to feel exactly what she was feeling. She couldn't do that to them. She wasn't going to kill herself, but she couldn't go back either. Maybe this was her life now.

Or at least, it was for now.

She just wanted to lose herself.

She wanted to forget for just a second, she didn't want to feel anymore, for just a moment, she wanted to stop the pain and the punishment and the blame she'd put onto herself…if that was even possible anymore.

Slowly, she reached down and grabbed three of the pills and popped them carelessly into her mouth, chasing them down with a large gulp of the whiskey she had sitting on her coffee table. Closing her eyes, she leaned back and within that hour, she faded out of reality.

She lost herself.

For a moment, she felt nothing. Blank, void, numb. The emptiness and the coldness were still there, but she just hardened and let herself slip away into a blank state. She closed her eyes and listened to the deafening silence of her apartment and felt nothing.

And all she could think was:

 _Finally._

* * *

 **"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."**

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

* * *

 **A/N:** I'm really excited about this story. I have the whole thing finished already so I'll update whenever I can, but reviews would probably motivate me the most. I really like this "Lindsay's Dark Days" character arc thing they're doing so I thought I would explore some things that could happen. I hope you like it. Please review and let me know what you think! Thanks.


	2. Wake Up Call

**"The sky was gold, it was rose, I was taking sips of it to my nose and I wish I could get back there, some place back there, smiling in the pictures you would take…and when the plane came in, she said she was crashing. The velvet, it rips in the city, we tripped on the urge to feel alive…now I'm struggling to survive…I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life."**

Third Eye Blind, _Semi-Charmed Life_

* * *

Waking up was always brutal.

It was like the end of an amazing dream.

Reality breaks in, depressing, inadequate reality that was nothing compared to the fantasy wrapped up in a dream or in slipping away. It brought back obligations and money and pain.

And all she wanted to do was go back to sleep, go back to the place she'd just been, the blank darkness where she felt nothing.

Waking up was hard.

It was felt like she'd been asleep for years just to be woken up by the bright, harsh lights of reality. She didn't want to open her eyes. She didn't want to be reminded of her empty apartment or the trash covering her place or the pills she'd taken just to escape.

So she sat there, wherever she was in her apartment, eyes closed and hands shaking as she continued to come down from her high.

And then she heard footsteps.

Alarmed, her eyes fluttered open. The room around her was blurry and spinning for a moment when she first opened them. Then, as everything started to come into focus, she turned, looking behind the couch where she heard the footsteps.

Landon was standing in her kitchen.

Erin was confused. Slowly, groggily, she stood up from the couch, ignoring all the trash on her coffee table and kitchen counters, "Landon?"

He turned, "Hey, you're awake." He smiled.

"Yea…" Erin tilted her head, "Uh, how did you get in?"

Landon smirked and walked up to her, "You let me in." He paused when he saw the confused expression on her face, "Figures you wouldn't remember…you were…man, you were like delusional last night. I mean, so high you could barely remember your own name."

"But I only took some pills…"

"Yea, but you also drank a whole bottle of whiskey by yourself and that was before I even got here." He smiled, "But god, you were fun." He smiled and put his hands on her waist.

"So you slept over?" Erin said, not really reacting at his touch.

Landon nodded slowly, "Yea, I know we agreed no sleeping over, but I just thought-"

"You thought what?" Erin cut in, "That you would spend the night here and suddenly I would fall in love with you and we would get married, have kids and run off to the suburbs?" She asked sarcastically, "I already told you, Landon, we are not doing this to fall in love. I'm not your girlfriend. We're just two friends who hang out sometimes."

Landon was slightly hurt, "And have sex." He muttered.

"Sex doesn't mean anything."

Landon creased his eyebrows, "Yes it does. It's intimate…and you have to be comfortable with the other person and trust them." He said, "It makes you feel connected to the other person."

"I don't feel anything anymore."

Landon sighed, getting frustrated. He was already unstable because he was coming down for the high he'd gotten from taking some pills a few hours earlier, "Is this about that girl?"

Erin didn't say anything.

"Erin, when are you gonna stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on?" Landon asked, exasperatedly, "We all go through rough patches, but you're not even trying to get better. You never have fun…you're always sad, when are you gonna get over it?"

Erin shook her head, "You don't get it." She turned and started to walk over to the couch.

Landon followed her, "You're right. I don't get it. How can you be so devastated about this one girl? She wasn't your family…"

Erin whipped around at that, "She _was_ family." She said, shaking her head.

"Whatever!" Landon exclaimed, his frustrations reaching an all-time high, "She's dead, alright? She's gone and there's nothing you can do about it! You need to move on." He said, shaking his head, "You're being a drag – and I don't have time to be dragging you around behind me." He headed for the door.

Erin didn't stop him.

Once he was gone, she walked out onto her back porch and looked down at the ground. It was cold, but she liked it. She felt groggy and the chill of the night air kind of woke her up. She looked up at the sky and then back down at the ground, "What happened?" She muttered.

She leaned over the railing, putting her head in her hands.

"Hey!"

She looked down.

There was a guy standing on the street. It looked like he was around 20, wearing a pair of glasses and had short brown hair. He looked like a college kid, dressed in a large sweater and some khaki pants. He was on a bike, but had stopped under her window. She was three floors up.

He smiled up at her.

"Keep your head up, alright?!" He called up to her as people on the street passed by, barely even lifting their heads, "It's gonna get better!" He pointed up at her, gave a smile and then lifted his headphones back to his ears and pedaled off.

Erin watched him go, picturing his bright, naïve smile as she looked down at the ground. She wished she could have smiled back, given him some kind of indication that what he said actually mattered, but she just couldn't.

How screwed up do you have to be to not be able to smile anymore?

Erin shook her head, the college kid's voice replaying in her mind as she turned and re-entered her apartment: _Keep your head up, it's gonna get better._ She thought. It seemed pretty bleak right now and if there was anything she knew, it was that whenever she thought she was hitting rock bottom, there was still another cliff for her to fall over.

Her phone buzzed on the table.

Erin walked over and saw that she numerous missed calls and messages.

2 missed calls from Bunny.

1 from Voight.

1 from Jay.

She scrolled through them, but didn't call any of them back. She clicked on her messages and looked through them.

Bunny: _Haven't seen you in a while. Come by for a drink. Tell me about what happened._

Landon: _Hey, I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it. I was just high and frustrated. I'm sorry about your friend. Forgive me?_

Voight: _Hey, are you okay? Haven't heard from you in a few weeks._

The most recent text she'd received, though, was from Jay:

 _Hey Erin, I haven't heard from you. I'm really starting to worry about you. I hope you're not getting yourself into trouble. Can you please just send me a text back to let me know you're okay? We're all going crazy not knowing. Please…_

Erin took in a deep breath, feeling sympathetic towards him. She typed back:

 _I'm okay._

And left it at that.

A few minutes after that, she slipped her jacket on and left her apartment, heading for her mom's bar. When she got there, it was pretty packed, but her mom spotted her walk in almost immediately, "Erin!" She called, waving her over.

Erin slowly made her way up to the bar.

"Where have you been, sweetie? It's been a few days since I've heard from you. What happened?" Bunny asked, more intrigued for the details than concerned for her safety. She raised her eyebrows in interest.

Erin cleared her throat, "I'm not completely sure. I woke up in someone's backyard and ended up having to walk through a house of stranger that I had apparently partied with." She shrugged, "I don't really know what happened."

Bunny nodded with a smirk, "But sounds like you had fun." She said, rubbing her, "That's what you need right now, after all you've been through you need to have some fun." She reached under the bar and pulled out a shot, setting it in front of Erin.

Erin looked down at it.

"Nadia would want you to have fun, Erin. You need to stop being so stressed. Just let go." Bunny urged her, nudging the shot even closer.

Erin felt sick to her stomach.

Bunny watched her, "If you want to keep feeling sorry for yourself, go ahead, but if you want to forget about it for a second then take the shot, it's simple." She shrugged.

Erin closed her eyes, considering it. She knew her mom wasn't right, but she didn't care anymore. All she really wanted to do was be able to think about something else other than Nadia and her death and how she was falling apart.

She downed the shot quickly, "Can I have another?"

Within the next few hours, she was drunk, not sloppy drunk and complete mess, but drunk enough to finally be out of it. Drunk enough for her to forget about her sorrows. She was finally drunk enough to forget. That was all she wanted: to be free of the grief that wouldn't stop pulling her under.

She didn't remember meeting the guy she was talking to, but he was cute and he was distracting her well enough for her to be interested.

"So what do you do?"

Erin considered telling him the truth. She could say that she was between jobs or that she'd quit her old job, but in the end, she decided to lie, "I'm a cop." She said with a smile, feeling the familiar pride that came with telling someone that.

"Really?"

Erin nodded, "CPD."

He smiled, "That's hot."

Erin opened her mouth to reply when she heard a voice come from behind her.

"Erin."

She didn't turn around. She knew who it was and she didn't want to look at him. She watched as the guy she was talking to looked up as the voice came closer.

"Erin, hey."

A hand touched her arm.

She turned, pulling her arm out of his hand, "Don't touch me." She snapped at him, annoyed that he was here, acting like he controlled her.

Jay stared down at her and she could tell that he was trying to keep the hurt look from spreading across his face. He glanced back at the guy behind her, "Sorry, I just…I wanted to talk to you."

The guy behind her, whose name she couldn't remember, stood up, "Actually, we were kind of in the middle of a conversation before you interrupted so if you wouldn't mind letting us continue…" He said with a shrug, a threatening look in his eye as he spoke calmly, but angrily.

Jay looked back at him, "Hey, step off, alright?" He said, unthreatened, "Erin, come on, why don't we go back to your place and talk or get some coffee or something?"

Bunny walked up behind him, "Detective Halstead, with all due respect, I think Erin is fine here. Correct me if I'm wrong here, sweetie, but she's working through some stuff and doesn't really want to talk with you right now."

Erin glanced at her mom and nodded slowly.

Jay shook his head, not even bothering to look at Bunny. He didn't take his eyes off of Erin, "Why do you let her talk for you now? A few months ago, you had convinced me that she'd been the definition of rock bottom and now you're just following in her footsteps like a lost puppy." He said, gesturing to the empty beer bottles on her table, "You're better than that."

"Don't talk to me like you know me." Erin replied, voice low.

The guy behind her stepped forward, "Hey, back off, man. She obviously doesn't want you here so leave before you get yourself into some trouble."

"Yea?" Jay stepped up, "What kind of trouble?"

The guy moved past Erin and shoved Jay, "You wanna find out, don't you?"

"Jay, stop. Just get out of here, I don't need your help." Erin said as she watched the tension between them grow.

Jay didn't back down. He shoved the guy back, "Yea, but maybe this guy needs to learn a lesson."

"Hey, I'm not the one she's telling to leave, man. She's wants to talk to me, not you." He added the last part quieter, but loud enough for Jay to hear him. "And I'm going to be the one going home with her tonight too, not you." He shrugged.

Jay shoved him harder that time, knocking him off balance and into Erin, who was standing by a table behind him. She fell into the table, which was knocked over at contact. Along with a few bottles, she hit the ground, but the guy he'd shoved caught himself before he fell, mumbled something about it not being worth it and headed for the door.

Jay, concerned, moved over to Erin and started to help her up, but she pulled her arm out of his grasp every time he tried to pull her up. She glared up at him, "I don't need your help." She said, once she finally got to her feet, "I didn't ask you to come here. I can take care of myself." She pushed past him and walked out of the bar.

Jay went to follow her, but Bunny stood in his way.

"She doesn't want your help, Jay. She has me and some new friends, we can take care of her. All you are doing is stirring up trouble. You coming in here, insulting me and trashing my bar, it doesn't help anyone." Bunny said, shaking her head.

Jay finally looked down at her, gaze hard and cold with disgust, "Don't misinterpret this. I want to be clear. No matter how calm I seem, know that I don't have any respect for you whatsoever. I think what you're doing is wrong. I think that you are a leech on Erin. You just suck the life out of her. And what you're doing to her now, it's so wrong that I can't even find words." He said calmly.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

Jay glared down at her, "Voight was right about you. You aren't Erin's mom, never were, never will be." He said coldly, "Now, get out of my way before I arrest you."

"For what?"

"I'm sure I can think of something."

Bunny glared at him for a few minutes longer and then slowly moved out of his way, allowing him to walk out of the bar. Once outside, he looked left to right, trying to figure out where Erin was. He spotted her across the street, walking out of a drug store, carrying a bag of chips and a soda.

Jay jogged across the street and fell in step with her as she walked down the sidewalk. "Hey, whatcha got there?"

Erin glanced down at the contents in her arms, "Chips and a soda. I'm drunk and hungry." She said with a shrug, "But I bet you don't really care about that, do you? So just go ahead..." She said, "Tell me why you're here, Jay."

"I came to see you." Jay said with a sigh, "It's been over a month, Erin and nothing, nothing except one text that tells me you're alive. I'm worried about you and I just wanted to see where your head is at." He said honestly.

Erin didn't look at him.

He stared at her.

"What?" She asked, turning to look at him, "Do you want me to say _thank you_? I didn't ask for you to come. I don't know why you're worried about me. So I quit. I did it for a reason and I'm standing by my decision."

Jay nodded, "I'm not asking you to thank me. Or to go back on your choices. I just want to talk to you…" He explained casually, "How are you holding up?"

Erin smirked, "Oh, so that's what you want." She smirked, "Didn't you hear? My mom and I decided to go into the drug dealing business together. See, we're smuggling some "H" across the Canadian border with the help of my new step-dad's parents." She said sarcastically, mocking him, "Yea, yea and yesterday, I needed some extra money so I put on my best dress and-"

"Stop." Jay said, shaking his head, not wanting to hear anymore.

Erin stopped walking when they reached the edge of Millennium Park. "What do you want me to say?" She asked, putting her arms out.

"I want you to tell me the truth." Jay said, "Why are you pushing me away?"

Erin took in a deep breath to keep from snapping at him, "I just want to be left alone." She said, looking up at him, "Why don't you get that? Why doesn't anyone get that?"

"Because I don't think it's what you really want." Jay said, staring down at her, "Everyone needs to know that people care about them sometimes. It's human nature and I just wanted to talk to you and let you know that I still care about you."

Erin nodded slowly and started walking into Millennium Park, obviously still fuming.

Jay followed, walking beside her. "Have you always liked it here?"

"Where?"

"This park?"

Erin shrugged and looked around, "Yea." She said vaguely, looking like she wanted to tell him why, but at the same time didn't want to give him the satisfaction of getting more than a one word answer from her.

Jay looked around at some of the plants, "Why?"

Erin was quiet for a moment and he thought she wasn't going to respond until he heard, "This is where Voight and I used to come to meet when I was his CI." She said, "And after he took me in, we would walk here sometimes and it kind of became this…sacred place for me."

"That's Navy Pier for me." Jay replied, "My dad used to take my brother and I there a lot when we were kids."

Erin nodded slowly and sat down on a bench that overlooked some of the gardens. She opened her chips and stared eating them, looking out over the park.

They sat in silence for a few moments.

And then Jay finally asked what he really wanted to ask, "What's going on with you, Erin?" He asked, "You can tell me. I'm not gonna go run to Voight or anybody, I'm your friend and I just want to make sure you're doing okay."

Erin didn't reply. She just reached to her left, throwing her bag of chips in a nearby trashcan. She didn't look at him, just concentrated on the garden ahead of them.

Jay didn't want to push her so he just waited, hoping maybe she'd open up.

A few minutes passed.

And then finally, "I miss her."

Jay looked at her, but she still wasn't looking at him. Her eyes moved over the garden. She took in a deep breath, "I don't know why I feel like this." She said blankly, shaking her head, "No matter how hard I try to get past it or to drown it out or forget, it's doesn't go away."

Jay watched her, his heart breaking.

She finally looked at him, eyes swimming and tears brimming at the edges of her eyes. But she refused to let them fall. She stared up at him, eyes pleading, begging him, "It's suffocating me, Jay."

He looked down at her, knowing that she wanted him to say something, but he just couldn't think of the right thing to say. He knew what she wanted to hear and he knew what the cliché response was, but that didn't seem like it was enough. So he said what he was thinking, "That's because you're letting it." He told her, "If you need help, ask for it."

Erin hesitated.

"It's okay to ask for help." Jay added, watching as she contemplated it, "You aren't invincible. And asking for help doesn't make you weak." He told her.

Erin shook her head, "It's not that…" She said, looking down at the ground like she wanted to tell him, but just couldn't bring herself to do it. She stood up abruptly, "I think I should go."

Jay stood up too and grabbed her arm before she could walk away, "Hey, stop doing that!" He protested, "Why won't you just let me help you? It's killing me to see you like this." He told her, not letting go of her arm.

Erin turned and her eyes flashed in a moment of anger, "It's not your job to look after me! This is my fight, not yours and even if you think you would be able to help, trust me, you wouldn't." She pulled away and started to leave.

"I don't get it." He said, shaking his head.

Erin turned back again, "Get what?!"

"I don't get why you're pushing away all the people that could possibly care about you." Jay replied, shaking his head, "It doesn't make sense. Aren't you lonely? Don't you want someone to be there for you? Because I could be."

Erin stared at him and took in a deep breath, "You want to know why?" She asked, "It's because I'm damaged. My life is so complicated and disturbed and overwhelming. And every time I try to be normal, someone ends up getting hurt. I wasn't meant for this life, Jay. I don't fit in to your world." She said, shaking her head, " _That_ is why I'm pushing you away. Because I know that you'll get hurt."

"Erin, I don't care about that!" Jay exclaimed, "Don't you get that?! This is about you, not me. You said it yourself, this is your fight."

"It _is_ my fight, but I don't want you to be collateral damage."

Jay shook his head, "How could I possibly be collateral damage in this? How could I get hurt by trying to help you?"

Erin stopped and shook her head, her voice clear and calm, "You think you can fix me. That's the problem. I'm unfixable and the more you try, the more you'll be disappointed."

"No one is unfixable."

Erin sighed, "I used to believe that."

"What changed your mind?"

Erin shook her head and shrugged, "I don't know." She looked at him, "I mean, look at me, every time I try to pick myself back up, I end up falling back into the same old habits…"

"That doesn't mean you're a lost cause."

Erin threw her hands up in frustration, "Then what does it mean, Jay?" She asked, "Because I've been trying for years and years to figure it out and I can't. I can't fit in to that perfect lifestyle, it's impossible."

"It's not perfect." Jay said, shaking his head, "Nothing is. Not you, not me, but that doesn't mean we're wrong or that we should give up trying. Why are you just rolling over and giving up?" He asked, "That's not who I thought you were."

"Well maybe you don't know me at all."

Jay raised his eyebrows, "But I do." He said, "I know you think of everyone else before yourself and I know you're a fighter." He shrugged, "And that's all I need to know."

She sighed.

"C'mon, Erin, just give me a chance." He said, walking up to her, seeing that she'd stopped walking. He ran his hands down her arms and took both her hands in his, "I just want to help you get through this…because I know you can." He said, "Just say okay."

Erin didn't say anything.

Jay took in a breath, "C'mon, don't make this hard." He said, shaking his head.

She walked up to him and for a split second, he thought she was going to say okay. But then she leaned in and wrapped her arms around his waist. Confused, he hugged her back, not completely sure what was happening with her. Maybe she was actually going to let him help her.

After a few moments, she pulled away. "Take care of yourself, Jay." She said before she turned and started to walk away.

And Jay, because he was tired of arguing and because he knew she wasn't going to budge, he let her go, an unsettling voice in the back of his head telling him he was never going to see her again.

* * *

 **"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going** **away and going away means forgetting."**

J.M. Barrie

* * *

 **A/N:** I'm really glad you all liked this story, the reviews on the first chapter were really great, thank you so much for reading and letting me know what you thought. Please stick around, there's still more to come. Thanks so much!


	3. Off Balance

**"But maybe you never really had someone, she thought now. Maybe, no matter how much you loved them, they could slip through your fingers like water, and there was nothing you could do about it."**

Cassandra Clare

* * *

She walked down the street, her hands in her pockets.

It had been a week since she'd spoken to Jay.

She couldn't get it out of her mind, everything he'd said, the look in his eyes that he got when he realized just how far she'd fallen, the way he begged to help her. She didn't think it would make a difference. People had tried to help her before, hell, she'd even tried to help people before.

She'd tried to help Nadia.

And all she ended up doing was getting her killed.

At this point, Erin was doing anything to avoid going back to her apartment. She hadn't stepped inside in three days. For the past three nights, she'd either slept at her mom's place or at the house of someone she'd met at the bar.

She couldn't go back to her empty apartment again.

She walked through an old rusty gate that creaked as she slowly shut it. It was a cemetery. She weaved through the headstones, feeling a chill run down her spine, a little bit creeped out to be there so late at night. But she hadn't visited in a while.

She approached Nadia's headstone cautiously.

She bent down and placed a small, dainty bouquet of flowers at the foot of it and sighed, but didn't say anything. She stood in the cemetery until the wind blowing the freezing air became too much for her. She turned away from the headstone and headed for the gate.

She walked out onto the sidewalk and started making her way back towards her mom's bar which was a few blocks over. She stopped by a tree next to a streetlight. Its large leaves and branches created a large shadow over part of the sidewalk.

Erin stepped into the shadow and leaned against the tree. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills she'd slipped out of Landon's house the last time she went. They'd been sitting on his dresser, among others, but she took the ones she thought would be the strongest.

She looked up at the sky and popped a few of the pills in her mouth.

Slipping the bottle back in her coat pocket, she turned and continued walking down the street. Halfway to her mom's bar, she started to feel the effects and the last thing she remembered was walking through the doors of the bar and grabbing a drink.

She woke up a few hours later and pulled her phone out of her pocket, using it to check the time. It was 2:45 in the morning, but she wasn't tired. She felt buzzed, probably still tipsy, but not tired.

She was in someone's house, on someone's couch.

To her left, she saw there was a group of people in the kitchen and a group in the dining room, playing cards around the table. In a chair right next to her, she saw a guy. He looked like he was on something, swaying slightly in his chair, as if dancing to a song that only he could hear. He smiled at her and raised his eyebrows, but she looked away and sat up.

Taking a moment to gather herself and fix her hair, she walked into the kitchen. The group greeted her and she entered their conversation, as if she'd known them forever. It was easy talking to people when they were drunk or high. People were more easy-going, less judgmental, less serious.

She connected particularly well with a cute brunette guy who'd obviously had a few drinks. He had a big, cheeky smile and a good sense of humor. He was wearing all black except for his gray t-shirt, black shoes, black pants, black jacket. She kept trying to read his shirt, but she was too drunk to figure it out. She thought it was some kind of band thing, but she couldn't be sure.

The music got louder as the people had more and more to drink.

The brunette, whose name slipped her mind, touched her arm, "Do you want to go somewhere quiet and talk?" He asked, flashing his smile at her.

Erin nodded slowly, "Sure."

"Okay, you find a room. I'll get us some drinks."

She nodded and made her way through the apartment or house or wherever they were. She opened a few doors to find the rooms already occupied. The third room she tried was empty so she walked in and sat on the bed.

A few minutes later, the cute brunette walked in.

"This one is mine." He said, smirking as he showed her the side of the cup where he'd written his name. She squinted to read it, able to make out an S so in her mind, she called him Spencer, just for the sake of giving him a name.

Spencer handed her a second cup, "Here's yours."

She smiled as she took it out of his hand, "What is it?"

Spencer shrugged, "The girl I got it from said it was something fruity, but I figured you wouldn't like that so I poured some vodka in it. So I'd say, half vodka, half…something fruity?" He smirked.

Erin sipped it, tasting both the strong vodka and the sweet tang of fruit, "And why wouldn't you think I'd like something fruity?" She asked, raising her eyebrows as he sat down next to her on the bed.

Spencer shrugged, "Honestly, you seem like a badass. I see that look in your eyes…" He smirked, "Like you don't put up with bullshit."

"Bullshit like fruity drinks?"

"Exactly."

Spencer smiled at her and held out his cup, "To a night that we may or may not remember, but to people that are impossible to forget." He grinned at her.

Erin hit her cup against his.

Spencer winked at her as he chugged his drink quickly, letting out a few coughs once he was done, "There was a lot more in there then I thought."

Erin looked into her cup. It was more than half full, but not to be outdone, she tilted her head back and tossed the drink down, the bitter taste of vodka burning her tongue. When she was done, she blinked a few times, "Wow."

Spencer nodded slowly, "Right?" He shrugged, "I should be a bartender."

Erin smiled a little bit and shrugged.

"Aren't you hot?" He asked, pulling on her coat, "Why don't you take that off, get comfortable?"

Erin smirked and looked at him, "Oh now you want me to take off my clothes?" She raised her eyebrows and stood up, slowly, slipping her coat off, practically able to feel him watching her. She hung it up on a nearby chair and slipping her phone into the front pocket of her jeans.

Spencer smiled, looking at the simple long sleeve sweater she had on. "Looks comfortable." He asked, reaching out and feeling the edge of it. He looked down and saw the combat boots she had on, "I like those." He nodded to them, "I'm really into this badass, dark, I-don't-give-a-shit thing you've got going on." He leaned in so that all he had to do was whisper, "It's sexy."

He smiled as he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, the kiss soft to start, but once he pulled back and put his hand on her cheek, the kiss felt more passionate, more about the heat that was growing between them.

The drinks started kicking in after that.

They moved up so that they were laying down on the bed. Spencer was on top of her, suspended over her as they kissed. And at first, she was kissing back.

But then she started getting dizzy, finding it harder and harder to focus on what was happening. He easily slipped off his shirt and then smiled as he gently pulled hers off over her head too.

Erin, feeling more and more disoriented with every passing moment, reached up and put her hand on Spencer's stomach, pushing him back as he continued kissing her.

He looked down, confused, "Hey, what's wrong, baby?"

Erin gulped, "I don't…feel…good." She choked out, only now realizing how hard it was for her to move her arms. She kept her hand on his stomach, keeping him back.

"Shhh…." Spencer said, taking her hand easily off his stomach and setting it back down at her side, "You probably won't even remember any of this is morning…" He said as he kissed her neck.

That was when Erin realized what was happening. She tried to push him off, but her weak arms did little to stop him. She felt like she was going to black out, but she fought to stay awake because she didn't know what would happen if she passed out.

"Did you put something in my drink?" She asked, even though she already knew the answer.

Spencer shook his head, "No." He said, rolling his eyes as he stood up from the bed and reached into the pocket of her coat, taking out the bottle of pills and setting them on the nightstand next to the bed they were on, "You just must be some kind of junkie…or at least that's what the cops will think."

"They won't believe you."

Spencer shook his head, "You were drunk and high…how could you possibly remember correctly?" He kissed her lightly.

"Stop."

"Shh, baby." Spencer said as he undid his belt.

Erin reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone while Spencer was distracted, kissing her neck. She dialed a number on her recent calls list, "Get off of me." She tried to say, her voice weak and her head cloudy.

Spencer moved down and unbuttoned her jeans. As he did, she moved the phone under her arm so he wouldn't see it. He started to pull her jeans off and while he was distracted by that, she moved the phone up towards her face, sliding it underneath the pillow.

"Help!" She tried to call out, but it didn't come out as loud as she'd hoped, "Someone help me!"

Spencer smiled, his face suddenly even with hers, "No one can hear you." He said with a smirk, "Just relax, baby." He leaned over her, the bed tilting with his weight. Her phone slid out from under the pillow and hit the floor, but Spencer didn't seem to notice.

Focusing on what was happening was getting harder for Erin as Spencer continued kissing her. The edges of her vision blacked out first. She tried to move, but found herself to be completely incapacitated. The last thing she saw before she blacked out fully was Spencer's horrifyingly charismatic grin.

She wasn't sure how long she was out.

She didn't have any dreams, just darkness.

It was almost peaceful, almost like she was gone, finally released from the pain that was gripping her, pulling her down. She didn't have thoughts, she didn't have worries, she was just in darkness.

But it didn't last.

She was pulled out of the blackness by a two hands grabbing her arm. They shook her gently. And then sounds started to fade in. She heard a voice come from right next to her, but she still couldn't move.

"Erin?" She couldn't make out who it was.

And then she heard a second voice, "She's not waking up?" It was Voight.

"No." The first voice replied.

"She shouldn't be passed out for much longer…" Voight said, "There must be something wrong…"

"I could give her more fluids, but I'm not sure that would help." A third voice said, it was a woman.

"Let's just give her more time." The first voice said and that time when he spoke, she recognized it to be Jay. "She's gonna wake up." He said with certainty.

Erin tried to move again, but with no luck. But she knew she was fading back in because her hearing was getting clearer and she almost felt like she could open her eyes.

"Hey, she's moving."

Finally, she was able to move her arms, but not as much as she should have been able to. And then, she could move her legs. Slowly, she opened her eyes. She was on a couch in someone's house. She saw Jay kneeling on the ground next to the couch, watching her. Voight was standing at the end of the couch by her feet and Brett, the paramedic from Firehouse 51 was standing next to Voight.

She blinked a few times.

"Hey." Jay said from next to her, "How are you doing?"

She gulped, "I'm…okay." She said, her voice quiet and weak.

Jay nodded slowly.

Brett moved closer, "Hey Erin, mind if I take your vitals really quick?"

Erin shook her head.

Brett moved quickly, taking her vitals and writing down the results on a napkin on the coffee table behind Jay. She examined them when she was done, "Everything looks normal. Your blood pressure and heart rate are a little bit low, but once you come down completely and eat something, you should be fine."

"Thanks so much, Brett." Voight said, "Here, I'll walk you out."

They walked around the corner, out of sight.

Erin rested her gaze on Jay, "What…happened?" She asked, moving her arm up and pushing some hair out of her face, finding it challenging to even do that.

Jay looked down for a moment and then raised his eyes back to her, "Last night, in the middle of the night, I uh, I got a call from you. I heard you calling for help and some guy threatening you so I called Mouse and he tracked your phone. I got to the house where you were and busted down the room and found you. The guy was still on top of you. I don't think he'd done anything…yet, looked like he might have done some coke after you passed out."

Voight re-entered the room.

"I, uh, I wanted to take you to the hospital, but the guy had put coke all over you and there were pills on the dresser so I wasn't sure if you'd done anything…and I didn't want you to get arrested if I took you to the hospital…"

"So he called me." Voight joined in, "I brought you back here to my house and called Brett. She came here and helped, hooked you up to an IV and gave you fluids."

"What about…?" She didn't remember the guy's name.

Jay nodded, "The guy? His name was Stuart James."

"We got him, found the roofies in his pocket. He must have slipped one in your drink." Voight told her, "So he and I took a trip down to the silos. I can guarantee he won't ever step foot in Chicago again."

Erin nodded slowly, looking back and forth between the two of them, "Thank you." She said genuinely, "I…I really needed help and you came through, thank you for that." She looked at Jay.

He nodded, "I told you I was looking out for you."

Voight nodded too, "But now, we need to talk, Erin." He said, "We found these pills on the nightstand…" He held up the bottle, "Did you take any of these?"

"No." Erin answered.

Voight raised his eyebrows, "Don't lie to me."

Erin looked up at him, hating the look of disappointment he was giving her, "I took a couple before the party I went to."

Voight nodded, "Did you drink after it?"

Erin nodded.

Voight sighed and nodded, "What about coke? You were covered in it when Halstead found you. Did you do any of that?" He asked, looking at her expectantly.

"No."

Voight stared at her, "Are you lying?"

"No!" Erin exclaimed, "I know I lied the first time, but I'm telling you the truth. I don't do coke anymore." She said, shaking her head, "And that's the truth."

Voight nodded slowly, not taking his eyes off of her, "I believe you." He said, "But I hope now you can see how much you've slipped. You're out partying every night, you're drinking, doing drugs, you're taking advice from Bunny…I think it's about time you stop and re-evaluate what you're doing with your life."

Erin sighed, looking up at him, "It's my life." She said, "Your help and advice was appreciated when I was teenager, but I'm a grown woman now and if I needed _or wanted_ your help, I would have asked for it." She retorted.

"Oh, so you don't need help?" Voight asked her, "You're going out getting drunk and getting high every night, Erin. If you keep going like this, you're gonna lose your apartment, you're gonna lose everything you worked so hard for, you might even end up dead. Is that what you want?"

Erin didn't reply.

"I don't know how to get through to you." Voight said, shaking his head, "You don't listen to me, you don't listen to Halstead, you don't listen to anybody. Well, I hope you hear this: Nadia was doing stuff like this before she met you, but she wanted to change. She wanted to live a better life. You should want that too."

Jay nodded slowly, "It's your life. You can do what you want to do, but I think you know that what you're doing isn't helping." He said, "You can't keep pretending it didn't happen."

Erin sat up abruptly.

"Hey, hey, woah…slow down." Jay tried.

But Erin was too worked up to hear him, "You think I'm pretending it didn't happen?" She asked, tears springing to her eyes before she could even stop them, "I wake up every morning remembering what happened to her. Even if I wanted to forget, I wouldn't be able to. Don't you get it? That's why I'm doing this… _because_ of what happened to her."

"No, I don't get it." Voight replied, "How is any of this related to Nadia?"

Erin moved to get up, "Forget it." She said, looking over at him, "Forget I said anything. You know what? Forget I was even here." She tried to stand up, but couldn't, her legs were still too weak from the drugs.

"You're not going anywhere, Erin." Voight said, "I'm tired of this back and forth."

"Yea, well-"

Voight cut her off, "Let me finish." He snapped, voice harsh and cold. When she stopped talking, he continued, "I'm tired of watching you hurt yourself." He said softly, "But I'm also tired of watching you hurt, period." He pulled a white paper out of his pocket, unfolded it and set it on the table.

"We went to your apartment yesterday and found that sitting on the table." Jay said, picking up the piece of paper. He looked at her and then down at the words on the page, "I woke up today, for the first time in a long time feeling like my life was worthless."

Erin recognized the words.

It was from the note she'd written when she was contemplating suicide. She couldn't look Jay in the eyes as he read.

"Maybe it always has been. There are over 6 billion people on this planet and one more or one less won't change anything. And maybe I thought it mattered. Nadia made me think it mattered…I thought I saved her, but we see how that turned out. It doesn't matter. Maybe nothing does. I'm sorry." Jay finished and set the paper down.

Erin was looking down at her hands. It took everything she had to keep them from shaking. She could feel Jay's gaze on her, but the thought of looking into his eyes made her feel sick.

"What were you thinking of doing?" He asked.

Erin didn't reply, she couldn't.

Jay touched her knee, "Look at me." He tried, "What were you gonna do?"

Erin still didn't look up.

Jay wasn't satisfied. He pushed harder, "Erin, answer me. What were you sorry for? What were you going to do when you wrote this?" He asked, lifting the letter up again, pushing it towards her.

Erin finally looked up. She snatched the letter from his hand, "I was going to kill myself, okay? I was going to take enough pills that I could just slip off!" She yelled at him, tears in her eyes, "Are you happy now?" She shook her head, "This was private." She held up the note, "My apartment, my thoughts and feelings, are private. And now, you're using them against me like some kind of leverage?" She asked, the tears pooling in her eyes.

"That's not what we were trying to do…" Jay scrambled.

Erin shook her head, "That's exactly what you were trying to do." She said, "It's like interrogation. You do anything you can to throw them off balance so you can get them to do what you want, right? Well, is this what you wanted?" She asked, putting her arms out, "I'm off balance…" She crumpled up the paper, "I hope you feel good about yourselves." She threw the piece of paper at Jay.

It hit him in the chest and then bounced to the floor.

Erin pushed herself up off the couch, her legs wobbling underneath her. She saw Jay offer her a hand to steady her, but she didn't take it. She just walked out of the living room and to her old room where she sat on her old bed in the dark, the familiar feeling of tears streaming down her face as she stared through the darkness.

* * *

 **"In the kingdom of glass everything is transparent, and there is no place to hide a dark heart."**

Vera Nazarian

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry it's been a while, I was really busy. I hope you like this chapter, please review and let me know what you think. And don't worry, there's still some more chapters left for Erin to figure out what to do. Thanks so much for reading!


	4. Cutting Ties

**"Talking won't change it. But sometimes it was what she wanted most, to tell someone; often, though, she just wanted to escape those horrid feelings, to escape herself, so there was no pain, no fear, no ugliness."**

Melissa Marr

* * *

Jay sipped his coffee, looking up at Voight, "Has she come out yet today?" He asked, glancing at the clock. It was 10:00 in the morning.

Voight shook his head, "Not yet. I thought I heard her moving around about an hour ago, but she didn't come out here, not even for food." He shrugged, "She's probably still mad from yesterday…"

Jay nodded slowly, looking down at his cup, "Was it wrong, what we did?" He asked, "I mean, it kind of was an invasion of her privacy and even when we did find it, did we really have the right to use it against her like we did?"

Voight sighed, "How else were we supposed to get through to her?" He asked, looking up at the ceiling, "If she wants to play hard ball, we have to play right back. She needed that, it was a wake up call." He said definitively.

"I guess." Jay replied, thinking it over, "You think she's ever gonna come out?"

Voight shrugged, "It's probably about time we try to get her out." He said, walking down the hall to her door. He knocked on it, "Erin, hey, we're having lunch." He said, "You should eat something."

Nothing.

"Erin, come on, just give us a chance." He said, "Hear us out…we just want to talk to you."

Still nothing.

Voight sighed, "Okay, fine, you want to stay in there all day? Just let me know you're alive. Give me something, knock on the wall or something like that." He said, glancing back at Jay.

Nothing again.

Voight tried the handle.

It was locked.

His stomach turned, mind racing, wondering if maybe she had pills with her. Maybe she'd overdosed, maybe she'd passed out or something and needed help. He saw Jay walk over out of the corner of his eye, "Erin. We're coming in." He said.

After getting no reply from that, he knocked his shoulder against the door, forcing it open. The room was dark, the lights weren't on, but there was light streaming in from the open window.

The room was completely clean.

It looked like it hadn't been touched in years. There was no trace of Erin's presence at all, except for the open window at the foot of the bed.

Voight stuck his head out the window, like he thought he would see her walking down the street, but there was no sign of her, "She must have left this morning." He shook his head, "I should have checked earlier."

"No…she would have left whenever she got the chance." Jay tried, "There was nothing you could have done to stop her." He said with a sigh, "But what do we do now? We're back to square one. No trace of her, she could be anywhere."

Voight sighed, "She'll come back. She knows we care so when she needs us, she'll come back." He said with conviction.

"But what if something bad happens?"

Voight took in a deep breath, "She's right. We can't control her. She's a grown woman and she makes her own decisions, hopefully, she'll be responsible. I think we hit a nerve with her…I think she might be starting to realize just how far off the tracks she is…"

Jay sighed and nodded, "Yea, I hope so."

* * *

Erin was sitting on the steps in front of an apartment building. She leaned over her knees, rubbing her hands together nervously. It was cold outside, but she had a jacket on so it wasn't terrible.

But she was tired.

She hadn't slept in at least 24 hours. She hadn't slept at all at Hank's house. Most of the night, she spent her time trying to get the window open as quietly as possible. Ever since she could remember, it had been wedged shut. Hank claimed it was due to wind damage, but Erin was pretty sure he'd done it to keep her in. It took her a few hours to get it open, but she waited until morning to leave because it was too cold.

"Erin?"

She looked up.

Kelly was standing at the foot of the steps she was sitting on, a bag of groceries in his arms, wearing his firehouse jacket that had his last name on the back. He looked at her curiously, obviously confused why she was there.

Erin stood up when she saw him, shoving her hands into her pockets, "Hey, uh, I don't know if you heard about…"

"Nadia?" Kelly filled in, "Yea, I heard. I'm real sorry to hear that. I know you guys were roommates, I remember talking to her a few times. She seemed like a nice girl." He walked up to her, "How are you holding up?"

Erin didn't want to lie to him, but she wasn't quite sure she even knew the answer to that question anymore, "I'm…" She shook her head, "I don't know…" She said honestly, "I just remember what you went through, losing Shay, and…I'm really tired of everyone trying to relate and I just thought you would understand, you know?"

Kelly nodded slowly, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." Erin said, "That's what I thought you would understand. I just…I kind of need a friend, can we just…hang out, like we used to?" She smiled a little bit, reminded of their relationship.

He smiled too, probably thinking about the same thing. "Well, I guess it's a good thing I just picked up some Chinese. Do you want to come up? I just got a projector and I've been watching movies on it…" He raised his eyebrows.

Erin nodded, "Only if we watch good movies."

Kelly turned back to her as he pushed the door to his apartment building open, "I _have_ good movies."

"Really? I don't remember watching any."

"Hey, watch it." Kelly said, giving her a look, "I let you have the orange chicken and you watch my terrible movies. We make compromises." He said with a shrug as he started climbing the stairs up to his floor.

Erin followed him, suddenly realizing how long it had been since she'd smiled like this. She moved her hands into her pockets, feeling the bottle and holding it in her palm as she walked so that he wouldn't be able to hear it.

They went up to his apartment and took out the food. The food looked delicious, but Erin was having trouble holding anything down. Partly because she was hungover or drunk most of the time and partly because the thought of food repulsed her after seeing and smelling Nadia's body.

So she made up some stupid excuse, telling him she already ate a few hours ago. It didn't look like he believed her, but he didn't really protest either, which she appreciated.

They sat down on his couch and started to turn on the projector, "So what have you been up to since we broke up?" He asked, looking back at her, "Because I was talking to Gabby the other day and she said _you_ were venting about having a relationship with someone you work with…"

Erin looked over at him, curiously and shrugged, "Are you sure you want to talk about this? It's kind of awkward…"

"Why?"

"Because we were together."

Kelly nodded, "We were, but that doesn't mean I think that I'm the only one who can make you happy." He shrugged, "If someone else does, then so be it. I just want you to be happy, you know?" He gave her a smile.

Erin nodded slowly, "Halstead and I had a thing for a few weeks…"

"A thing?"

Erin shrugged, "Kind of like friends with benefits at the start and then, a little bit more serious later…until Voight found out and we shut it down." She said, watching as he put a movie into the projector.

Kelly looked back at her, "Hmm."

"What?"

Kelly shrugged, "I don't know. You just don't seem like the type of girl to let Voight dictate whether or not you get to be happy." He said as he sat back down next to her.

Erin looked over at him, "Voight's not just my boss."

Kelly nodded slowly, "Yea, I know, he helped you out when you were younger…that's what you told me, but I just have trouble seeing him as the good guy after what he did to Casey, blackmailing him and all that." He said.

"He's protective of family." Erin answered calmly, "He did a lot for me so I have to believe that he's a good guy…"

"So he just helped you get on your feet when you were younger or what…?" Kelly asked carefully.

Erin shrugged and nodded, "That's basically what he did." She looked over at him, "I know I told you a little bit about how my mom was kind of a screw up and my dad wasn't around, but…it was worse than that and…I got into a really bad crowd towards the end of high school. And Voight, he actually took me in."

Kelly's eyebrows went up.

Erin nodded at his surprise, "Yea…that's how bad of a place I was in. I…was a mess, but he turned my life around and I know he came off…strong with that whole deal with Casey, but he was different back then. He was dirty, but he's coming around. In this city, sometimes you have to get your hands dirty to get the job done, you know that."

Kelly thought about the whole ordeal with his sister and nodded in understanding, "Yea, I guess so." He looked over at her, "Are you sure you don't want any of this?" He held up the orange chicken, "It's delicious…" He taunted.

Erin shook her head, "No, I'm fine."

Kelly nodded, "You feeling okay? You look kind of sick?"

"Yea, I'm a little sick." Erin said slowly, "Mostly just tired."

"Hard sleeping at your apartment?"

Erin didn't look at him. She really didn't want to talk about it. She responded quietly, "It's too empty."

Kelly nodded slowly, "Yea, I had the same problem. I slept at the firehouse for a few weeks just so I wouldn't have to be home. Then, I went out to this cabin I own out in the woods outside the city, but you know what that did? It just freed up more time for me to be thinking about her."

Erin looked down at her hands.

"You know what I found? Going back to work and just _doing something_ really helped. It kept me busy so I didn't have to think about it." Kelly told her, "I tried to drown it out with alcohol, but that doesn't do anything. It just separated me from all the people I cared about…like you."

Erin looked over at him, saw the pain on his face, in his eyes. The expression lingered as he continued on, a deep, solemn look in his eyes.

"And I still miss her." Kelly said, "That never goes away, but the…the pain and the _guilt_ , that's gonna fade. And I'm not a bullshit therapist or anything like that. I was exactly where you are now so I get it and I'm just trying to help…"

Erin didn't say anything for a few moments. She wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to talk to him. She didn't want to open to anyone, but she felt like maybe he would understand. "I feel like I'm falling apart."

Kelly looked over, listening.

"It's like…I worked so hard to put myself together, but now, all the pieces are just falling apart and I don't even know how they fit back together anymore." Erin said, leaning over and hugging her knees to her chest.

Kelly nodded, "You don't have to do it alone, you know that right? That's what friends do, they _help_ you when you need it."

"I don't want help." Erin replied, "That's the thing. I _feel_ like…" She stopped, shaking her head, hesitating before sharing this with him, "I… _feel_ like…I deserve it."

Kelly tilted his head, "Why?"

Erin ran her fingers through her hair, "I tried to save Nadia and all I ended up doing was putting her in the position that would eventually get her killed. If I had just stayed out of it, she'd still be alive." She said, "Do you know what that feels like? Knowing that you're the reason that two parents lost their daughter or that someone is gone forever?" She shook her head.

Kelly sighed, "You can't blame yourself for what happened to her. Her murderer killed her, not you."

"But if I hadn't pushed her into the path I'd gone, pushed her into the job at the station, then her murderer never would have even known her and never would have killed her." Erin said, taking in a deep breath.

"It's not your fault."

"Then whose fault is it?"

"It's her murderer's fault."

Erin sighed, "If a parent left their child alone at a restaurant at night and the kid got abducted, they would say that was parent's fault. They didn't do their job. They gave the kidnapper an opportunity to kidnap their kid." She said, "I gave her murderer the opportunity to kill her."

"You aren't her parent, Erin." Kelly responded, "It wasn't your job to look after her."

" _Yes it was_." Erin said, looking at him, "I was trying to make her better. I was helping her. It _was_ my job to make look out for her. It was _my responsibility_ so now, after what happened, I have to face the fact that I was supposed to be there for her and I wasn't."

Kelly shook his head, "You aren't superwoman. You can't always be there when people need you."

"Then what's the point of even trying to be there for someone at all?" Erin said, shaking her head, "Whenever I care about someone, they always end up getting hurt. So what's the point?"

"What's the point about _caring?"_ Kelly said, incredulously, "The _point of caring_ is so that you can make a difference in someone else's life. Whether it be by taking them in when they're struggling like Voight did for you or loving somebody or sitting on a couch, trying to help a friend through a tough time…you never know when you could change something for someone."

"Yea, but what if it's a bad change?"

"What if it's a good one?"

Erin didn't reply, just turned and looked out his window.

Kelly had a feeling she was done talking, "Look, why don't we take a break from all this? I didn't mean to push you into that. I just wanted to see where your head is at, but you told me you don't want to talk so we won't. Do you still want to watch the movie, maybe catch up on some sleep?"

Erin looked over at him and nodded.

Kelly turned on the movie and turned off the lights, "I hope you're excited for this movie. It's an award winner from this film festival, apparently won an academy award or something like that?"

"Really?" Erin asked, thinking that maybe his taste in movies had changed.

Kelly smirked, "No. I got it for 60 cents down at the movies store down the street." He said with a shrug, "But I'm flattered that you thought I would ever own a movie that won an academy award."

"You are so full of it."

Kelly laughed lightly, "Alright, shhh. It's starting, you won't want to miss this."

The movie started, but it was only about a half an hour in when Erin fell asleep. Kelly had a pillow on his lap and in the first ten minutes of the movie, she's laid down on it. He grabbed a blanket from beside him and put it over her. He had his arm draped around her, just wanting to make sure she knew he was there. He started getting tired at the first hour, leaning back, trying his best not to disturb her.

He noticed her phone lighting up on the coffee table, but he ignored it the first few times. It looked like she was getting a few calls, but he couldn't read the names from where he was. As time went on, the calls started getting more frequent, along with texts.

Kelly started to get worried that maybe something happened. At first he thought maybe someone had gotten hurt and they were trying to call her and tell her. He leaned over carefully and picked up her phone, just looking on the opening screen at the calls and texts she'd missed.

5 missed calls from Jay.

3 from Hank.

1 from a guy named Landon.

1 from a woman named Bunny.

He couldn't read her texts because her phone was blocked, but he didn't want to either. He felt like that was invading her privacy, but he could see that she had a few from Jay, even more from Landon, one from Bunny and one from Hank.

He wondered what was going on.

Kelly put her phone back down, thinking that if he waited, the calls would stop, but every ten minutes or so someone would call her. Most of them were from either Voight or Halstead, but he didn't want to answer her phone for her. So, carefully, he pulled out his own phone. He already had Voight's number from when he'd been working his sister's case. He dialed it and looked down at Erin to make sure she was still asleep.

It looked like she was.

"Hello?" A coarse voice answered.

Kelly made sure to be as quiet as he could, "Hey Sergeant, uh, sorry I know it's late, but I'm with Erin and I noticed her phone was ringing a lot with calls from you. She's asleep, but I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"You're with Erin?"

Kelly nodded, "Yea, we're at my apartment…what's going on?"

Voight sighed what sounded like a sigh of relief, "Nothing, nothing. It's just…things have been crazy lately and Halstead and I didn't know where she was. We just wanted to make sure she ended up okay."

Kelly was confused by that, "Yea…she's fine."

"How long has she been there?"

Kelly shrugged, "Like three or four hours maybe, why?"

"Was she acting weird or anything like that?"

Kelly shook his head, "No. I don't think so." He replied, "I'm a little confused. What do you mean things have been crazy lately? And…why do you think she'd be acting weird?" He asked.

Voight took a long pause, "That's something you'd probably have to talk to her about. I'm sure she wouldn't want me telling you everything without her knowing, but she's been struggling with Nadia's death and we aren't completely sure if she's trying to drown out what she's feeling…if you know what I'm talking about."

"You think she's drinking?"

"Yea, drinking and other things."

"Drugs?"

"Yea, but we don't know for sure." Voight said quickly, "Don't ask her about it directly. It'll spook her, but if you could just look out for her tonight and we can come by tomorrow and pick her up when she's awake."

"Whenever?" Kelly asked, "Doesn't she have work?"

Voight sighed, "No. She quit."

"She quit her job?"

"Yea, yea." Voight confirmed, "She's really losing it right now and the fact that she came to you really means something because before yesterday, she hadn't talked to me in months and hadn't talked to Halstead in weeks. So…don't push her, okay?"

"I…had no idea this was even happening. I just thought she was sad."

Voight sighed, "No. She keeps the cool exterior, but there's something darker underneath that she's working through." He said, "Just keep an eye out. Call me tomorrow when she wakes up and I'll come get her."

"Sure." Kelly replied and then he hung up.

It was quiet for a moment and he looked up to the movie screen, watching the ending of the movie.

"I heard you." Erin stirred in his lap, sitting up slowly, "I just heard you talking on the phone with Voight."

"What?" Kelly looked over at her, "But you were asleep. When did you wake up?"

Erin shot him a glare, "Oh just about the time when he was telling you that I was on drugs." She said as she slipped her boots on angrily, "God, why can't he just mind his own business?"

"Because you're hurting yourself, Erin." He paused, "Drugs, alcohol, they both hurt you…not only physically, but mentally too." Kelly said, shaking his head, "Drinking in this kind of situation is normal. You feel depressed, you need to drown it out, but drugs? That's serious, Erin. You're a cop. How can you get involved in the stuff you've been working to clean off the streets?"

"You don't understand." She stood up and started going through her purse, making sure she had everything.

"What don't I understand?" Kelly asked, shaking his head. "It all seems pretty straight-forward to me. You're using drugs to distract yourself from the pain you're feeling and you can't do that, Erin! Why now? You're a cop, it doesn't make sense."

"Here, let me _make sense of this_ for you." Erin shot back at him, "When I was kid and I had a _troubled_ childhood, my mom was a junkie and by the time I was 14, I was hooked too." She said, "I was a drug addict. This isn't me picking up drugs out of nowhere, this is me falling off the wagon. You don't think I want to stay clean? You _don't think_ I know I'm supposed to want drugs off the streets?" She shook her head, "I didn't think this was gonna happen with you."

"Come on, don't do this. I just want to help you."

Erin threw her hands in the hair, "I am so _god damn_ tired of hearing that!" She said as she pulled her coat off of the chair he'd hung it on, "Everybody wants to fix me and help me. What do you think is gonna happen? A few kind words from you and suddenly, _happy days?_ " She asked sarcastically.

"Maybe!" Kelly replied, "Or maybe just support, just be there for you. That matters you know, being there for someone. It makes a difference."

Erin shook her head as she walked towards his door, "No it doesn't. Being there for someone, trying to help them, none of it makes a difference, don't you see that?" She asked, "None of it matters." She said coldly before pulling his door open and walking out.

Kelly didn't move at first. He was shocked. Everything had happened so fast. He looked at the clock. Five minutes earlier, she'd been sleeping in his lap and now, she had just stormed out of his apartment.

He gulped.

There was something wrong.

She was hurting and no one was getting through to her. The loneliness and the guilt would get to her and if no one was there, something bad was going to happen. He knew it.

So, slipping his shoes on and throwing on a jacket, he jogged out of his apartment and took the elevator down to the lobby. He asked the manager if he'd seen her, but he said he didn't remember so Kelly ran out and started jogging down the street. She couldn't have gotten far.

In fact, she hadn't gotten far at all.

While Kelly was sprinting down the streets around his apartment building, he had no idea that Erin was still inside, sitting in one of the stairwells underneath the stairs where it was dark. She was sitting with her back against the wall, knees pulled up towards her chest. She rested her elbows on her knees and blinked a few silent tears from her eyes, realizing the finality of what had just happened. That was it.

That was everyone.

She'd officially cut ties with everyone she'd cared about.

Hank.

Jay.

Kelly.

Kim.

Adam.

Olinsky.

Antonio.

Landon, if he even counted.

Even Bunny.

What did that mean? She didn't know. Maybe it meant she was free, but mostly it just made her feel alone. She thought about Nadia and suddenly, the guilt and the sadness rose up and consumed her. She gulped, looking up to prevent more tears from falling from her eyes.

Slowly, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the bottle of pills. She hated herself for wanting them, but she also couldn't stand the thought of feeling like this for one more moment. So, she poured a couple into her hand, popped them into her mouth and then stood up, exiting the stairwell and heading for place to crash.

* * *

 **"Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."**

Anais Nin

* * *

 **A/N:** Here's another one. The next one's a good chapter so be ready. Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to review!


	5. Longest Night

**"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to see the end."**

Elizabeth Wurtzel

* * *

Jay woke up to the sound of his phone ringing on his night stand. He groaned, looking at the clock next to his phone. It was 2:45 in the morning. He looked at his phone screen:

Voight was calling.

His stomach dropped, knowing that it must have something to do with Erin.

Gulping, he picked up the phone and answered, "Hello?" He hoped he sounded a lot more put together than he felt, but he doubted it.

"Hey, Jay, it's Hank." Voight said quickly, "So I just got off the phone with Kelly. He and Erin had a falling out, apparently she heard him talking on the phone and she stormed out. He followed her, but she lost him outside his apartment building. He said she was really upset and that he was scared she was gonna do something crazy." He reported, "I hate to call you this late…"

Jay sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bed, "No, no, no I'm awake."

"Okay, well, I'm on my way to Bunny's bar right now to look for her." Voight told him, "Can you go down to her apartment and see if she's there? I don't know. It's kind of cold outside, she might have gone there just to stay warm…"

Jay stood up quickly and started to get dressed, "Sure, yea, of course." He said, "Call me if you get anything."

"Yea." He said shortly before hanging up.

Jay finished getting dressed, heart pounding. It felt like a nightmare. He hated this feeling. The panic of not knowing where she was or what she was doing. He imagined this was what it was like for her when Nadia had disappeared. And he was scared Erin would have the same fate as her friend.

Would she disappear? Move? Get herself killed?

He shook the thoughts away and slid his shoes on, grabbing his phone and making his way out of his apartment. He jogged down to her apartment building, which was only a few blocks away from his and climbed up the stairs as fast as he could.

When he got to her floor, he turned the corner and saw her apartment door open at the end of the hallway. All the lights were off, except one that he could see in her living room. He touched his belt and realized that he didn't have his gun on him.

He nodded slowly to himself and went down the hall, entering her apartment cautiously, "Erin?" He called out, looking around, a chill flowing down his spine. He knew something was wrong. It was quiet, he didn't hear anything except the sound of his own footsteps. And it was cold, the open door letting the chill of the night air into her apartment. The light from the small lamp in the living room did little to give light to her apartment. He had to squint through the darkness to scan her apartment.

He spotted her purse sitting on the kitchen counter, discarded there sloppily, like she'd done it in a hurry. He saw her boots sitting abandoned haphazardly on the ground by the couch as well.

But he didn't see Erin.

He could see the back of the couch. Apprehensively, he approached it. He made his way around the side of it so that he could see the front and that was where he found her.

Erin.

Lying there, still, on the couch, her head propped up by a pillow and her arms draped over the edge. It almost looked like she was sleeping.

Until he spotted the bottle of pills spilled on the floor.

Jay stopped and it felt like his heart did too. This wasn't what he thought it was. It couldn't be. He felt like he was going to be sick. His hands shook as he continued to move towards her, taking in a shaky breath. He dropped to his knees next to her, disturbed by how peaceful she looked. Like her pain had ended.

"Erin?" He tried again, praying that maybe she would open her eyes and shoot him an angry comment about how he'd woken her up.

But she didn't.

She didn't move.

He looked to make sure she was breathing – and she was, but it was shallow, definitely not normal. Her arms were cold and sweaty.

He shook her a little bit, like he thought that would help. "Erin." He shook his head, "Damn it!" He scooped her up off the couch and ran into the bathroom where he started the bath, carefully lowering her into the tub.

He pulled his phone out from his pocket and quickly called Voight, "Hey, she's here, but it looks like she overdosed on some prescription meds. Call an ambulance, I gotta go."

"Jay-"

He hung up. And turned his attention back to Erin. He lifted her up again and stepped into the bath tub, turning the shower on. Lightly, as the water ran over the both of them, he patted her cheek, "Erin, come on." He tried, "Erin, wake up for me, okay? Come on, please…"

The water was ice cold, piercing his skin with every drop.

He made sure to keep the water from getting into her nose or mouth. He held her tightly, surprised at how light she was. She looked like she'd lost weight, which he knew was probably from the drugs.

He kept shaking her, not about to give up on her just yet.

"Erin, come on!" He yelled, his panic rising, "Don't do this! Don't die on me, alright?!" He kept shaking her, patting her face gently, but urgently, "Come on, come on…"

They were both soaking wet at that point.

Jay's hope of waking her was decreasing with every passing moment, "No!" He yelled, the hopelessness beginning to set in, "You aren't allowed to do this." He said, switching off the shower and pulling her out of the tub before laying her gently on her bathroom floor, "You aren't allowed to leave. Come back! You aren't allowed to die!" He said, sitting down next to her unconscious body. "You can't do this." He shook his head and pulled her up off the ground, scooping her into his lap as he continued to try and wake her up.

"Erin, come on." He said, continuing to shake her, "Don't quit on me, come on!" He yelled, able to feel how cold and wet her skin was. "Wake up, come on!" He pleaded desperately, "Wake up, please!"

She wasn't waking up.

He punched the wall next to him in frustration, "Damn it!" He said, looking up at the sky and shaking his head as he held her limp body in his arms. He felt tears stinging his eyes as he sat back against the wall, trying to find it in himself to accept what was happening, "This can't be it…"

He'd always thought something like this would happen, but not like this. In his mind, he thought it would have happened while they were on the job. He imagined her getting shot and bleeding to death in front of him, but somehow this was worse.

He couldn't say anything. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't say goodbye.

It was sudden and final.

He was never going to be partnered with her again. They were never going to go out for drinks after their shift. He would never get to kiss her again or tease her about something again. He would never see her smile again.

Maybe this was how she felt when she lost Nadia.

Empty.

Paralyzed.

Guilty.

How could he let this happen to her? He was supposed to have her back. He was supposed to help her and protect her when she couldn't protect herself. That was basically what having a partner was for. They would be there for you.

He felt like he was going to throw up. He couldn't believe what was happening. He couldn't look at her. He couldn't accept that she was gone. He couldn't.

He thought about all the times he could have talked to her or offered to help her and didn't. He just let her slip through his fingers and now? She was OD'ed on her bathroom floor.

He gulped hard and closed his eyes for a second, blocking out the harsh light from her bathroom. He squeezed her waist tightly. He shook his head, a mixture of water dripping from his hair and tears streaming down his face.

And then he heard something.

It sounded like a faded gurgling noise and at first he thought it was coming from the drain of the shower, but then he felt Erin moving and his eyes shot open.

Her eyes were still closed, but her mouth was open, which was where the gurgling noise he'd heard was coming from.

He moved quickly, rolling her over onto her stomach and lifting her up back over to the bathtub where he held her over the side. After a few more seconds of the gurgling noise, she started throwing up into the tub.

Jay didn't want to watch, but he had to hold her up because she couldn't kneel on her own. He could feel her whole body shaking as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the tub, which he noticed was mostly water. She probably hadn't eaten much in the past few days.

Once it seemed like she was done, he pulled her back and gently helped her lay back down on the ground. This time her eyes were open. "Erin?" He asked, in disbelief, "Can you hear me?"

Her eyes looked cloudy and blank. She blinked a few times, her whole body still trembling. She didn't say anything, but after a few moments, he saw the recognition light up in her eyes when she realized it was him.

He smiled, eyes swimming and scooped her up again, pulling her onto his lap and squeezing her, "Oh my god." He said, shaking his head, still not believing it, "Oh my god…"

Erin's shaking figure clung to his. She lifted one of her hands to grab the back of his neck and buried her face in his chest.

Jay pulled her close, "It's okay, you're okay." He told her, wrapping his arms around her almost like he was afraid to let her go, "You're okay." He kept repeating.

He couldn't believe it.

It had to be some kind of a miracle. One minute, he thought she was gone and the next, she was awake. It was unreal to him. He was in complete disbelief, but he wasn't going to question it. He just shook his head, squeezed her and thanked God over and over again for bringing her back.

It took her about an hour to calm down, but it looked like she'd passed out again, except this time, her breathing was normal so assumed she'd probably just been too weak to stay awake and he didn't need to wake her up again.

Carefully, he lifted her up off the bathroom floor and walked her back into her bedroom, laying her gently on the bed and placing the covers over her. He glanced at the clock, not sure how long it had been.

It was 4:00 AM, it had been a little bit over an hour.

It had felt a lot longer to him. He took in a deep breath and looked down at Erin, making sure she was still okay. When he was sure she was fine, he left the room and walked back out into her apartment.

The front door was still open so he shut it.

He moved into the living room and carefully cleaned up the pills that she'd spilled on the carpet. He read the bottle. It was Oxy. He wasn't surprised. He placed them on the kitchen counter and then moved back into the bathroom.

He worked his way through her bathroom, cleaning it up. While he had her in the shower, he'd splashed a significant amount of water all over her bathroom floor so he used a couple towels to mop it up. And using some scrubs she had, he cleaned up what was in the tub from when she'd thrown up.

It didn't take him long.

And once he was done with all that, he finally had a minute to stop and realize everything that had just happened. He had been so close to losing her. For a moment, he had given up and he resented himself for that.

He leaned over her bathroom sink and looked in the mirror. He looked so tired and stressed, but that shouldn't have surprised him. He blinked a few times and turned on the water, taking some of it and splashing it into his face.

She was alive.

That was the most important thing.

He nodded and walked out of the bathroom, dialing Voight's number on his phone.

"Jay! What's going on there?"

"Where the hell have you been?"

"We're on our way right now. It took me a while to find someone. We couldn't call an ambo again. She overdosed on prescription meds, Jay. She'd go to jail." Voight pointed out.

Jay nodded slowly, "Yea, well, she's okay now. I actually took her into the shower and woke her up. She passed out again, but her breathing is back to normal. I think she's gonna be alright."

Voight let out an audible sigh of relief, "Thank god. What was it?"

"The drug? It was Oxy."

Voight sighed loudly.

"Who are you bringing?" Jay asked.

"I hope you don't mind, but I called your brother."

Jay smirked, "Yea, that's fine."

"Well, we're almost there. We'll be up in a minute. Will says he still needs to check her out and make sure everything's okay before we completely relax."

"Okay, well, she's sleeping. But I'll let you in."

"Okay, sounds good."

He hung up.

About 10 minutes after the call, Jay heard the knock at the door. He checked through the peep hole and then let them in. Voight looked like he was a wreck, a tired expression on his face.

"Hey Will." Jay greeted his brother with a half-handshake, half-hug. "She's in her room. Let me show you." He started walking back towards her room, "So she was unconscious and I took her into the shower, which woke her up."

Will nodded slowly, "Okay. She should be fine then. There's a good chance that if you got her awake then she won't slip into the coma-state that usually results from an overdose." He said as they entered her bedroom. He set the bag he had carried in on the ground and pulled out a blood pressure cuff and a few other tools, "I'm just gonna take her vitals."

Jay nodded, "Oh and she threw up." He added, "After she woke up, she threw up."

"Okay." Will said with a nod. "She might be dehydrated then..." He said as he continued taking her vitals.

After a few minutes, he finished, "Looks pretty good. Her heart rate and blood pressure could be higher, but her pulse ox looks good, which is a good sign."

"Pulse ox?"

"It tells how well the heart is pumping oxygen around the body. Normal levels are usually at like 97-100%, Erin has a 98%, which means that her heart is transporting oxygen efficiently around her body, which is good considering what kind of shock this probably was to her body." Will told him as he stood up, "Are you staying here tonight?"

"Yea." Jay said decisively.

Will nodded slowly, "Okay well, every few hours I need you to make sure that her heart rate is normal. We don't want her to slip into the coma-state, which she probably won't, but we need to be sure." He said, "If she wakes up, get her water and make sure she drinks it and holds it down. Also, there's a good chance she could throw up again so make sure she sleeps on her side or stomach so she doesn't drown." He said as he carefully rolled Erin onto her side. "Tomorrow, do not let her have any drugs at all, no matter what they are. Make sure she's warm. And at about noon tomorrow, if she hasn't woken up herself, try to get her up. If she doesn't wake up then, call me. She could have brain damage, but that's not likely."

Jay nodded slowly, trying to take everything his brother had just said in. "Alright, I'll keep an eye on her." He said, holding out his hand to his brother, "Thanks man…she…" He shook his head, "I…"

Will smiled a little bit, "I get it, bro." He said, shaking his brother's hand and then patting him on the shoulder, "Hey whatever you need, alright? I care about you and I get how much you care about her so whatever it takes for her to be okay, I'm in."

Jay smiled and nodded, "Thank you."

Will nodded, "I guess I'll get going. If anything happens or if you need anything, page me, okay? That's only for emergencies, but it's the first thing I'll answer, okay?"

"Yep, thanks again."

Will smirked and nodded, "See you later." He said as he turned and walked out the door.

Jay followed him and walked him to the door. They said goodbye again and Voight thanked him and then he left. "So I'll stay with her tonight."

Voight looked at him, "I want to stay too."

"You really don't have to." Jay said, looking at him, "Will said it's mostly just gonna be checking on her every so often and making sure she wakes up tomorrow. You look like you haven't slept at all."

"I don't need you to tell me what I need."

Jay nodded slowly, "I'm not. I'm just saying that I'm gonna stay here and I'll send you a text every time I check her, how about that?" He said, "And when she wakes up, I'll call you."

Voight took in a deep breath, considering it for a few moments before finally deciding, "Fine, but you have to text me every time you check, alright? If anything happens, behind Will, I want to be the first that knows about it, got it?"

"Crystal clear." Jay said with a nod.

Voight moved towards the door, "Alright, I'll be back tomorrow around 11. I have to go into work tomorrow. But you're off. I want you to stay here with Erin." He ordered.

Jay nodded, "Yes sir."

Voight pulled the door open and started to move out, but as he was in the doorway, he turned back, "And Jay?"

He looked up, not used to hearing his first name.

"You did good. She might not be alive right now if it weren't for what you did." He paused, "I wouldn't trust a lot of people to look after her, but I think I can sleep easy knowing you're here." He gave him a long look, "Don't make me regret my decision."

"I won't, sir." Jay said firmly.

Voight nodded and gave a small smile, "I'll see you tomorrow, Halstead."

Jay nodded and smiled a little bit, watching as Voight left, closing the door behind him.

He walked back over to the couch and sat down, taking in a deep breath, completely baffled by what he'd just witnessed. He couldn't believe she was still here. He smiled a little bit and shook his head, looking up towards the ceiling.

 _She's still here._ He thought. _Thank God._

The rest of the night went by slowly.

Jay used coffee and TV to keep himself awake, even though there was really nothing to watch at the early hours of the morning. He checked on Erin every few hours and nothing changed. Once the morning rolled around, he started to check on her more frequently, just in case she woke up.

He ended up getting tired of watching TV and grabbed her laptop, opening it up and slipping one of her movies in it. She had a lot of old movies he'd never seen. The one he put in was in black and white, about some businessmen in the 1890s. He got tired of walking back and forth so he just sat in a chair by her bed and watched the movie.

It was about 10:00 when he was just getting halfway through the movie.

It had a lot to do with oil and betrayal and big business. He thought it was good, but he had trouble really hearing what they were saying because they talked so fast.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her move.

He set the laptop down at the foot of her bed and sat down next to her on the edge. "Erin?" He looked down at her as she shifted.

A few moments passed and then her eyes flickered open. She looked really out of it and confused at first, trying to take in her surroundings.

"Erin."

That got her attention. Her gaze rested on him. She took in a deep breath and shifted a little bit more. She tried to speak, but her throat was dry. She coughed a few times and swallowed before finally getting it out, "What…happened?" She asked slowly.

"You, um…" Jay paused, not wanting to overstep the boundaries by being too harsh, "Erin, you overdosed on painkillers last night. I found you on the couch, unconscious, took you in the shower and woke you up. You've been asleep ever since…" He looked down at her, "You don't remember any of that?"

Erin blinked a few times and looked down at the laptop he'd left at the foot of her bed, "What are you watching?" She asked, mind wandering.

Jay looked back at it, "An old black and white movie I found on your shelf."

"What's it about?"

"Betrayal, business…a little bit of romance." He raised his eyebrows, "I've been really enjoying it." He said with a smirk.

Erin creased her eyebrows, "So it's _that_ kind of movie?"

Jay laughed lightly, "Like I would ever get away with watching that kind of movie while Voight knew I was here. He's probably tapped into the computers, watching this conversation right now." He said with a smirk.

Erin smiled a little bit and looked down at her hands, "So you've been here all night?"

Jay nodded slowly, "How are you feeling?"

Erin shrugged a little bit, "Kind of like I'm hungover, but almost worse." She said, letting out a long sigh. "My head kind of hurts and my throat is dry."

"Well, luckily for you." Jay reached over to her nightstand and picked up the glass that was sitting there, "Here's some water." He handed it to her, "Drink up, doctor's orders."

Erin sipped it, "Doctor?" She narrowed her eyes, "Brett again?"

"Actually, my brother, Will."

Erin nodded slowly, eyes on her drink.

There was tense silence between them. They both knew what was coming next, but neither wanted to initiate it.

Jay rubbed his hands together and looked at her as she looked down at the glass of water she was holding, "Are we gonna talk about this?" He asked, knowing she probably knew what he was talking about.

But she played dumb, "About what?"

Jay took in a deep breath, "About all of this. You sneaking out of Voight's house, going to Kelly's house and then overdosing on pain meds." He looked at her, "What's going on with you, Erin? Talk to me."

Erin didn't reply for a few moments, her grip on the glass of water tightening. She took in a shaky breath, "You know what's going on with me." She said coldly, "I'm losing it…" She said softly, shaking her head.

" _It?_ "

"Everything." Erin said, "My family, my job, the people and things that I care about, my mind…" She shook her head, "I'm losing all of it and I'm just doing it to myself…"

"Then change."

Erin looked up, "It's not that easy."

"It could be." Jay said, leaning forward, feeling like it was the first time he'd actually gotten through to her in months, "We could help you get it all back, don't you get that? You lost it, but it's not too late to get it back."

"It's too late to get her back." Erin said blankly, "Everything else…I could care less about."

"That's not what it sounded like a few minutes ago."

Erin looked up at him, "She's gone, my job is gone, my family, my friends are gone…what else is left?" She asked, shaking her hand, "This sorry excuse for a life that I'm living?" She looked up at the ceiling, "Because if I had it my way, that would be gone too."

Jay held her gaze, "You overdosed on purpose?" He thought she had been trying to get high and just miscalculated. He thought it was an accident.

Erin didn't say anything.

"Answer me."

Erin looked away from him, "Not at first." She finally said, "At first, I was just trying to get high, but after a few kicked in, I just started to feel like…" She stopped, "And that's when I…" She trailed off.

"That's when you took the rest?"

She nodded.

Jay shook his head angrily, "Why?" He asked, creasing his eyebrows, "What were you thinking?" He asked forcefully.

Erin was surprised by his angry reaction, but she held her ground, "I was _thinking_ that I was nothing. That I didn't deserve to be here, living this stupid superficial life when she's dead. That…that I wasn't helping anyone anymore – only hurting them. I was thinking that my life had become so unbearable and miserable and lonely that anything other than _being here_ would have to be better." She stared at him, eyes swimming, but refusing to let the tears fall, "Is that what you want to hear?"

"If you're trying to shock me or push me away, it's not gonna work."

Erin gave him a blank stare, "You think I'm trying to scare you away?" She shook her head, "You think that I have some big agenda to push all of you away?"

Jay knew he'd said the wrong thing.

"What I told you is the truth." Erin finished, "Take it how you want to. Be shocked or annoyed or whatever you want to be, but don't blame what _you're_ feeling on me."

Jay sighed, "I'm not…" He said, "I'm just trying to help you and I feel like you won't let me." He confessed to her, trying desperately to meet her eyes even though she did her best to avoid his gaze. "I don't know what to say to get you to trust me."

"If I could trust you, you'd know what to say."

Jay shook his head, "That's not fair."

Erin shrugged.

"Why can't you just give me a chance?" Jay asked, taking in a deep breath, "Maybe I don't get what you're feeling, but I lost my father and I lost guys out overseas so I know grief and loss." He said, touching her hand, "Look at me."

She didn't.

"Erin, look at me."

Slowly, she lifted her eyes to meet his.

"Doesn't it mean something, what we have?" Jay asked her, tilting his head, "We said we'd always have each other's backs. Well, this is me having yours. Doesn't the fact that I haven't given up on you, after all this time, mean something? Doesn't the patience and time and care mean anything?" He looked at her, "Don't I mean anything to you?"

"You did."

Jay was hurt by that. "I don't anymore?"

Erin looked away, up at the ceiling again, "No, no. I didn't mean that."

"Well, what do you mean then?"

Erin sighed, "I just mean that we've drifted apart." She said honestly, "Sure, you're here now, but where were you the first couple weeks after she died, when I was obviously struggling at work? You talked to me, said you cared, but other than that? Nothing. You didn't have my back then."

"I wanted to give you space."

Erin nodded slowly, "I needed you." She said shortly, coldly, "But it's too late now for you to swoop in and try to save me. I'm already gone, broken past repair." She said as she sunk back into the bed, pulling her hand away from him.

"I don't believe that."

Erin looked at him for a few moments, "Well, you should." She said as she rolled over, away from him so that her back was facing him, "It will make all of this a lot easier." She said as she pulled the covers up, "You can leave now. I'm gonna get some sleep."

"Yea, you do that." Jay said as he stood up, "But I'm staying…because it's not too late. You still need me and this time, I'm gonna be here for you, alright? I'll be outside if you want anything." He said and then he walked out of the room, leaving her alone to lay there in her bed, wide awake and trying not to think about him.

* * *

 **"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."**

Jon Katz

* * *

 **A/N:** I really like Erin and Jay in this chapter. I think their relationship strengthens or at least gets to the core of their problems here so it's a good first step. There's still more to come so stay tuned. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!


	6. Mended Bridges

**"You will lose someone you can't live without and your heart will be badly broken and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."**

Anne Lamott

* * *

She needed it.

It had been a full day without a hit and she couldn't stand it. She needed it so badly that she couldn't think straight. Slowly, she rose from her bed for the first time since she'd overdosed. Her legs felt weak, but not weak enough to stop her from being able to walk.

She hobbled towards the door, blacking out for a few seconds as she started walking only to have her sight fade back in when she reached the doorway. She left her room and then entered the bathroom.

She looked up at her reflection and shook her head. She was pale and the make-up she'd had on her eyes was smeared. Her eyes were bloodshot and red and her hair was messy and knotted. Gulping, she turned on the water and splashed some into her face, washing off the make-up and also using the cold water to wake herself up.

She took in a deep, shaky breath and left the bathroom, walking down the hallway and into the living room. It looked a lot cleaner then she remembered leaving it.

Voight and Jay were standing in her kitchen.

"Hey…" Jay said, moving towards her. He pulled out a chair for her, "Sit down, sit down, you shouldn't be up."

Erin didn't say anything, just tried her hardest to sit still so they wouldn't be able to see how badly she needed a hit.

Voight leaned over her kitchen counter, a cup of coffee in his hands, "How're you feeling, kid?"

Erin stared back at him, trying to think of a sarcastic response, but coming up empty, "Fine." She finally answered shortly, avoiding his eye contact and looking down at her hands. Her nails were short and she remembered that nail-biting was terrible habit she acquired whenever she was itching for a hit.

It was quiet for a moment.

"Do you feel like talking about it yet?" Voight asked, "Because eventually, we're gonna talk about this, maybe not today, but eventually."

Erin shrugged and took in a breath, "I guess now is a good a time as any." She said unenthusiastically, "But I don't know what you want me to talk about. You already know why, how, when, where. You know everything."

"You and I both know that isn't true." Voight replied, "Erin, in the last four months, you haven't had a conversation with me that lasted more than fifteen minutes. That isn't communicating. Sure, I've heard about you, I know what's going on or I've speculated, but I want to hear it from you. I want you to tell me what you're feeling."

Erin looked up at the ceiling, "I don't have to." She said, her leg bouncing up and down in anxiety as her hunger for the drugs increased.

Voight nodded slowly, "That's right, you don't have to." He confirmed, "But don't you want to? Don't you want to get that stuff on your chest? You're taking it in alone, kid. That's dangerous."

Erin shook her head and lifted her hand to her mouth, biting her nails nervously as she scanned the kitchen, trying to see if the bottle she'd had was still in the apartment somewhere. She didn't see it anywhere.

"This one thing shouldn't be your downfall, Erin. I've known plenty of cops, ones who've lost people like you have: partners, wives, husbands, children…and they all struggled and some came out on the other side and some never recovered. They lost it…ended up in a place similar to yours. And you know what happens after you push everyone away and you're finally left alone? You can never get back. No one believes in you anymore because you forced them to give up on you." Voight told her, "The fact that we're here right now is because we haven't given up on you. And you can't force us to."

Erin shook her head, "I don't want your help."

"But you need it."

"I don't need anything."

"You need a hit." Voight said suddenly, catching her attention, causing her to look up, "You do, don't you? You're biting your nails, look like a nervous wreck…" He shook his head, "I know you do…but the drugs aren't going to help you."

Erin stood up, "What do you know? You've never had this." She said, "Yea, maybe you've lost people, but the furthest you've fallen is nowhere near the rock bottom I'm at right now. You don't understand it." She shook her head, "You never did."

"But I still helped you." Voight answered, "There's no denying that. I helped you the first time so I can help you this time too."

"This time it's different."

"How?!" Voight asked, his voice raising, "How is different this time? You're still pushing me away, you're still depressed and lost and lonely. Maybe the cause is different and the age, but what is happening, it's all the same." He said, "I guess old habits die hard."

Erin glared back at him, "Real classy, bring up my past…make me feel like I've gone nowhere, interesting tactic." She said sarcastically, "Maybe these aren't habits, ever thought of that?! Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe this was always my life!"

"Why are you acting like you've given up?!" Voight asked, "Are you really that hopeless that you can't even find it in yourself to realize that it's still possible to come back from this?"

"It's not possible!" Erin shouted at him, "I'm not your kid and you aren't my dad. It isn't your responsibility to look after me. I never wanted that!" She yelled, "Why can't you just leave me alone?!"

Voight glared at her, "Because you're throwing your life away!" He yelled, "Listen to me, don't talk, listen." He said, shushing her, "You're falling apart, you're losing your mind and the only person you have to blame is yourself and you know it."

"Voight." Jay said, cutting in, feeling the tension between them growing out of proportion.

But he didn't stop.

He walked over so that he was standing in front of her.

He took in a deep breath, "And we are trying so hard to help you, but you're making us regret it. Your mom was having a tough time when she started using and look how she turned out. You're becoming her. Fast. And by the time you realize that isn't who you want to be, we're not gonna be around to help you anymore." He said, " _You_ have to be the one to give it up. Because I'm getting really tired of trying to get through to you! It's getting too hard! Nadia wouldn't like what you've become. Wherever she is, she's probably ashamed and angry about what you're doing to yourself! How can you shame her memory like that?! You're making everything about her part of the stupid, sad little sob story that you use to justify what you're doing!"

Erin pushed him backwards, "I'm not ruining her memory!"

"Yes, you are!"

Tears sprung to her eyes, "I-I…"

"You know it's true."

Erin shook her head, "I never meant to do that." She said, lowering her voice back to normal, "I…just missed her so much and the guilt and the sadness just piled up until I couldn't…take it anymore…" She said, the pain she was feeling audible in her voice. "I never meant to taint her memory."

"Talk to me." Voight tried.

Erin paused.

"You don't have to push me away." Voight said, "I've never been one whose judged you, okay? Just talk to me."

"I feel like it's my fault." She said suddenly, "I tried to save her and I ended up putting her in the situation that got her killed. That's what bothers me the most, the fact that I got her off the streets, the fact that I was the one who brought her into the unit, the fact that she was getting my cake when she…" She got a little bit choked up at that, "Every day, I think about how if I hadn't gotten involved, Nadia would still be alive and it's just…it's killing me."

Voight touched her arm.

But she pulled it out of his grasp, "And that's why I'm pushing you away. Because everyone I get close to ends up getting hurt. Nadia, Jay, you…I just keep letting you down over and over and over again. I'm a screw up and I just don't want you guys to believe in me anymore because…I'll just disappoint you." She told him, "That's one reason why I did what I did." She glanced back towards the couch where they'd found her, "Because I'm just a disappointment and me not being her anymore…it would just be one less screw up in the world."

"One reason?"

Erin shrugged, "The other reason I did it was because…I…was drowning in guilt. And the pain that I felt every day, from the moment I woke up to when I laid down to go to sleep, it was so intense and draining that I felt like anything had to be better than going through one more day of that. _Anything else_."

Voight nodded slowly.

Erin looked up at him, "And I'm not telling you this because you wanted me to. I'm telling you this because I'm hoping you'll finally understand and leave me alone. It's what I want." She said, "Can't you respect that?" A tear slipped down her cheek.

"Hey." Voight said, but she didn't look up, "Erin, look at me." She didn't, "Look at me." He tried again.

That time, she lifted her head and met his eyes, her own still swimming.

Voight nodded, looking down at her, "I'm going to tell you something and I want to be clear so that you'll believe me." He paused for a moment, holding her gaze, "Not once, in all the time I've known you, have I ever thought you were a screw up." He paused, "Never."

Erin shook her head and looked away.

"Look at me."

She looked up again.

"You know, there were times when I was mad and disappointed, but I always believed in you and I still do." Voight told her, "I raised you like you were my daughter. You're a part of my family. And I never give up on family. I'm not ashamed of you or what you've been doing. You should never feel like you're nothing. Because you'll always be something to me."

"And I'm not gonna leave you alone." Voight ended, "I'm not."

Erin took in a deep, shaky breath and blinked a few tears from her eyes as she tried to regain composure.

Voight touched her arm and this time she didn't pull away, "Give me a chance. We're a team, we're family and I want to help you through this. What do you say, kid?"

Erin took a long pause and then finally answered, "Okay." She didn't look up.

"Okay?"

Erin looked up at him, "Okay."

Voight smiled a little bit and pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms around her and resting a hand on the back of her head, glad that she'd finally let him in. He would do everything he could to be the one she could trust. He was going to turn this around for her, he just knew it.

A few days went by uneventfully.

Erin spent most of the time in her apartment, sleeping or reading or watching movies.

Jay was in and out, going from work back to her apartment. He brought her food during his lunch break, but she rarely ate it. They didn't talk much either other than the courtesy hellos and goodbyes. It seemed like she was avoiding him, but he didn't question it.

He understood that she'd only opened up to Voight and he could accept that. He was her father-figure after all, who was he? Just a guy she'd known for the past couple years. They didn't have the same bond that she and Voight had, but their bond was still strong so he was hoping that if he supported her, she would open up to him too.

At the end of that week, when Jay's shift was about to end, Voight walked over to him. They were the only two left.

"Hey, so I signed Erin up for some therapy at this rehab center. They're gonna help her with the drugs and the…mental aspect of it too. I just thought you would want to know." Voight told him.

Jay nodded slowly, "That's great." He said, "Does she need someone to go with her?"

Voight nodded and looked down for a moment, "Yea, they actually encourage her to bring someone as support…" He paused, "But she actually asked Kelly Severide to be the one to go with her." He said, looking down at him.

Jay tilted his head, confused. Why would she ask Kelly? They'd broken up a long time ago and from what he knew, they hadn't had much contact after the break up. It didn't make sense that she would ask Kelly and not him, "Oh…" He replied.

Voight took in a deep breath, "Look, it's not personal, Jay. I think she's just confused and I know she appreciates you being around, even if she doesn't say it, alright?" He said, sounding unusually comforting.

"Yea, I guess…" He said, trying not to sound disappointed.

Voight sighed, "You should still come by. Some consistency would do her good." He gave a nod before starting to walk away, "See you tomorrow, Halstead."

"Yea, see ya." Jay said as he looked back down at his paperwork. He took in a deep breath and shook his head. He wasn't going to be able to focus. He got up from his desk and headed out.

For the rest of the week, he continued visiting her with the same results. She was detached and quiet and her health seemed to be deteriorating too, but he guessed that was probably the withdrawal. She looked pale and sickly, large bags under her eyes. Several times, he heard her dry heaving in the bathroom, but she never let him in to help her.

She didn't eat much either, but Voight insisted that she was eating later in the day once he got back so Jay didn't push her.

It almost looked like she had the flu. She was always shivering and glistening with sweat, but nothing could ever fix it. She was tired all the time and when she was awake, she had what looked to be painful headaches that she couldn't take any pain killers for.

She was suffering.

But he couldn't do anything about it.

The next week, Jay's visits became less frequent. He didn't feel like it matter. She didn't even care when he was there, half the time she didn't even notice. He felt like he was wasting his time and that maybe she didn't even want him around.

He was still around, just not as much.

He visited her for the second time that week after he finished his shift on Friday. There was no one there when he got there except for her, sitting at the kitchen counter, holding a glass of water. She looked up when the door opened.

He had a key.

"Hey Erin."

"Hi Jay."

He smiled a little bit and set some food up on the counter, "I brought you some pizza from that little pizza joint down the street." He started to unwrap it.

"Oh thanks, but I already ate."

Jay nodded slowly, but he didn't believe her, "What did you have?"

Erin nodded over to a pan sitting on the oven, "Omelet." She said, "You can check the dishes if you're really that paranoid about it." She said, a little bit of annoyance in her voice.

Jay shook his head, holding her eye contact, "No, I believe you." He said before walking back over to her fridge and putting the pizza inside. He turned back to her, "You look good." He said.

And she did.

Her eyes were a little clearer, she looked a lot more alert and aware, and he noticed that her face had regained some of its color. And her hair looked brushed and she didn't look as tired as she usually did.

She didn't reply to him.

But Jay pushed on, "How's the therapy going?" That was the first time he'd asked her that.

Erin looked up at him, "Fine." She answered blankly.

"Okay." Jay said with a small nod, "I'm guessing it's helping a lot. You look like you're really improving and I'm really glad." He smiled at her, "Before you know it, you'll be right back where you want to be."

Erin nodded slowly, "Thanks so much for the empty compliments and condescending comments. I'll make sure to take those to heart." She said sarcastically as she stood up and started to walk back towards her bedroom.

Jay looked down, sighing because he'd screwed up his chance again. He had no idea what he was doing wrong, why was this such an issue? He wasn't going to let her just walk away this time, "Erin, hold on." He said.

She stopped walking.

"What is your problem with me?" He asked as he walked over to her and faced her, "Ever since that night when I found you here…you haven't let me in arm's length of you. What changed? What can I do to fix it? Because I don't understand…"

Erin shook her head, "There's nothing wrong. I don't have a problem with you." She said blandly as she tried to walk away again.

But Jay stood in her way, "Then why did you pick Kelly over me?"

"What?"

Jay took in a breath, "Why did you pick _Kelly_ over _me_ to go to therapy with you?" He asked, shaking his head, "I'm your partner, one of your closest friends and you pick him? I don't get it."

"He went through the same thing with Shay, he understands it."

Jay shook his head, "He understands it just as much as I do. He lost someone like you, so have I, he fell off the rails like you, so have I, he hasn't done drugs or anything, neither have I. We're basically equal, but you chose him over me?"

Erin rolled her eyes, "Why do you care?!"

"Because I've been here the whole time trying to help you and you pick him to let in? I feel like you don't trust me. I feel like you don't appreciate or care about our friendship. I mean, I come here all the time and you basically ignore me. What happened to us?"

"People change."

Jay tilted his head, "Oh so you changed."

Erin avoided his eyes.

"You changed and forgot everything about us. You forgot how we used to hang out, you forgot all of the dinners and lunches we've had together, you forgot how we used to talk, you forgot how badass we were as partners and how great it was when we had a more than that. Did you forget how much I care about you? Because I reminded you every damn day when I came here, asking to help you even though you kept turning me down over and over and over again." Jay shook his head, "You can't forget that. Even if you did change."

"I don't have to justify my decisions to you." Erin said coldly, "So I chose Kelly, so what?"

Jay sighed, "So what?" He asked, hurt, "He wasn't here for you when you were at your worst. He wouldn't visit you every single day, hoping you'd let him help you." He shook his head, "I was here. Does that mean anything to you?"

Erin took in a deep breath, "It does." She said, softly.

"What?"

Erin paused for a few moments, looking down at the ground. Slowly, she lifted her eyes to meet his, "You coming here, it did mean something." She specified.

"Why didn't you tell me that? Why did you wait until now to tell me?"

Erin shook her head.

"And why did you pick Kelly over me then?" Jay asked, leaning in, "Just give me the answer, please. If you have an answer, I'll leave you alone." He said, "Just give me an answer."

"Because it's you, Jay!" Erin said, finally, like she'd been holding it in for a long time, "It's you. You were right. We have so much to our relationship. We're friends…and maybe more and you…your opinion is the only one that I care about. Do you know how hard it is for me to vulnerable in front of you? Let alone having you in a therapy session that explores all my inner thoughts and feelings." She shook her head, "I chose Kelly because I…I didn't want you to think less of me. I…didn't want you to judge me because of what I did."

Jay didn't know what to say. He hadn't been expecting that.

Erin nodded slowly, "Like this." She said, looking up at him. She turned away from him.

"No, no. Wait." He stopped her and turned her slowly to face him again, "Erin, this is what we're supposed to do. You're supposed to let me in because I care so much about you that I'll accept whatever insecurities you have. I'm not gonna judge you." He shook his head, "And I'm not gonna think less of you either. I'll always be the one person you can be sure is on your side, okay? I'm want to be here for you, but you're gonna have to let me."

Erin looked up at him.

"So will you?"

Erin took in a deep breath.

"I'll bring more pizza."

Erin cracked a smile, "Well, in that case…"

Jay raised his eyebrows.

"Yea…" She said, looking up at him, "I'd really like it if you stuck around for a while."

Jay nodded slowly, "Good." He leaned in, "Because I wasn't planning on going anywhere." He smiled and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug, "You know, Nadia would be proud of what you're doing." He said, rubbing her back.

Erin leaned against him, closing her eyes. She took a long pause, "You ever feel like she's here?"

"Yea, I'm sure she is." Jay said with a nod, "You were always looking out for her, you know? So I'd like to think that now, she's looking out for you." He told her, "She's probably looking down on us right now and smirking, crossing her arms, wondering what took so long."

Erin laughed softly, "She always liked you…"

"She had good taste."

Erin smirked and nodded slowly, "I still wish she was here."

"Me too." Jay answered, "But it's not your fault she isn't."

Erin took in a deep breath, "I know." She replied, surprising Jay, "But that doesn't make it hurt any less." She said, sighing, "But it helps me to think that if she was looking down on us right now, she'd be happy."

Jay nodded slowly.

"And maybe one of these days, we'll think about her and it won't hurt. We'll be able to think about her and remember how great she was, instead of…how she died." Erin said, tears brimming in her eyes.

Jay nodded, "Maybe one day."

"Oh..." She paused, "Definitely."

* * *

 **"And maybe that was love. Being so vulnerable and allowing someone else in so far they could hurt you, but they also give you everything."**

Christine Feehan

* * *

 **A/N:** So that's the end for this story. I really enjoyed writing and I hope all of you liked reading it too. I can't wait for the show to come back in a few months, hopefully they'll do the story line justice - I bet they will. Thanks so much for reading! And don't forget to review and let me know what you thought.


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